#1
Composed in a matter of minutes, the meaning is probably unclear. Ask if you're curious.

The sun has set, far beyond the soft clouds
No longer ablaze, the sky illuminates shades of melancholy
Summer is all but lifeless...fading.
Wilting away, like the forgotten rose
And as the leaves of the trees, turn a deep shade of gray
Life stands still as everything deteriorates...traces of the past scattered throughout the future
Serene pictures confessing a thousand emotions
Memories of days gone by...
And as the heat winds die down
Autumn greets us with utter sympathy
The leaves turn grey and some memories fade
Anticipating the embrace of a new day
My gear
Ibanez RG7321
Jackson Warrior WRXT *FS/FT*
Jasmine J35
Squier Fender P-Bass
Ibanez TBX150H
Crate 4x12
Fender Rumble 60


Part of UG's 7 STRING LEGION
#2
hmmm...i'm not sure what i want to say about this one exactly.

it's not badly written at all, and i think you definitely have a good grasp on description. but the problem is, while there is nothing noticeably wrong with it, it seems somewhat uninspired - probably because you, as you said, wrote it in a couple minutes - and unimpressive. i hope that doesn't come across as harsh because it's not how i intend it.
your writing is good, but the ideas you present are somewhat hackneyed and come across as trite: the images of wilting roses, greying leaves, memories fading etc are unspectacular.

it's obviously difficult to improve on originality but just keep experimenting, developing your ideas further and see where you can go with it. you shouldn't conscientiously strive for originality just for the sake of it, but y'know. just read more and keep writing, i have no doubt you'll improve.

hope this helps, if you get a chance to look at mine in my sig, it'd be greatly appreciated.
#3
For a couple of minutes is a pretty solid piece. My favorite lines would have to be these:

Summer is all but lifeless...fading.
Wilting away, like the forgotten rose

This paints a great picture in my head and I think being more descriptive would really add to the piece. The only part that I can complain about is that you used the analogy of leaves turning grey twice but other then that I think its quite good.

If you have time please crit my piece here
Last edited by Flow of soul at Aug 11, 2008,