#1
I will c4c


This place is what most people would call home
but to me it is a place where evil roams
Here I don't get to see any man
and this is where the death of my dreams began

My dreams went through a process that was painful and slow
but must childhood dreams are already on death row
Put there by a man who breaks all hope
and enjoys watching your life walk a tightrope
He wants you to fall into depressions and sorrow
and he hopes you deliver your own fatal blow

Sadly my dreams died alone
A small part of me that went unknown
Now that a small part of me has died inside
I can't help but feel like I'm being denied
The right to dream big was torn away
Something that god made to keep evil at bay
but sadly god does not rule in a place where evil roams
a place that most people bless and call a home



This is the first time I have ever written lyrics so please have at it.

Thanks for any crits

Flow of soul
#2
I like the ideas you have, but I think they could be written a lot more elegantly. Almost every line reads so forced and I think you could alter the rhyming or the sentence itself and create a beautiful song, because your images are strong but the words that convey the meaning aren't. It's a good first try though, props to you because I have never tried writing lyrics
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#3
Quote by Flow of soul
I will c4c First of all thanks for the comments on my piece


This place is what most people would call home
but to me it is a place where evil roams
Here I don't get to see any man This line doesn't flow as well as the first two, its just not strong and maybe needs another syllable.
and this is where the death of my dreams began

My dreams went through a process that was painful and slow
but must childhood dreams are already on death row most not must, and how about, for flow, 'but most childhood dreams already die on death row
Put there by a man who breaks all hope
and enjoys watching your life walk a tightrope Don't know about this line, I like the idea but not the execution
He wants you to fall into depressions and sorrow
and he hopes you deliver your own fatal blow sorrow/blow one of those quirky almost-rhymes, I'd prefer to see a straight rhyme or none at all. By the way who is this man being referred to? It's never clear in this piece. You could replace 'man' with 'devil' and then you wouldn't need to explain, but otherwise you kind of need more description on that count.

Sadly my dreams died alone
A small part of me that went unknown
Now that a small part of me has died inside weird to see small part of me in consecutive lines
I can't help but feel like I'm being denied
The right to dream big was torn away
Something that god made to keep evil at bay
but sadly god does not rule in a place where evil roams
a place that most people bless and call a home



This is the first time I have ever written lyrics so please have at it.

Thanks for any crits

Flow of soul


Some good lines, good rhymes, and good imagery, but also some cliche and very vague parts as well. Keep hackin away.