#1
Love leer. Lovelier. You;she;her.

I never write about you.
always her, or she, this or
that, i never write about you.
in a way, my hand or my heart
is such a petty device for
conveying my thoughts, i think
when i leave
when you stop speaking,
i think about you
when the day is done lost, and all we have
is the rain from
whatever o'clock
drying up on the
gutters, dropping and dripping
down, hitting the sheet metal outside
my window. the horrible waiting,
the awfully cold mornings were
i cast hastega and hope for
the rest of the world to speed up.

you were never as pretty as
her, and she was smarter. You had
something though, a way about
your face, i could see my childhood
crush in it, the unrequited love
i felt as a ten year old, stuck
between your nose and your lip,
like some cleft pallete---, never
you; ha(nsomnia)ted such a lack
sleep, (a cure for) sleep, you were
a (cure for [sleepy) women] me.
/confusing thoughts.

my knees still shake when I think about you,
my hand still quivers when I answer the
phone hoping to god that you're calling.
You're not. You don't anymore. I don't
want to go back to her, and she isn't
a good person. So, I'll wait, patiently like
an anchor in this ship of a room.
In the way our hands cross, they
meet inbetween our mouths, states;
long roads and driving
distances where we smile
the whole way. In the
way of your hand is my mouth.
In the way of my hand is your mouth.
Never touching,
never holding,
just cautious, in the way of.
lovelier.
lovelier, you.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Aug 12, 2008,
#2
That was awesome, but I'm not sure I like that I laughed at the FF reference.
Gear
Fender Thinline Telecaster Deluxe

1983 Aria Pro II XX Deluxe Flying V

2007 S101 EGU34

1963 Kay Vanguard

1964 Kay Vanguard

AXL Badwater SRO

Hondo Strat

1974 Acoustic(brand) 134 4x10 combo

Epiphone Valve Jr.
#3
Eh, for me the piece would be better without the italiscized part. Felt it sort of dragged, and for me didn't realy add anything. Just rambled. Kind of came off as you trying to be too clever, almost. On first glance it seems there just to support the "confusing thoughts" idea, but you do that with the oddly punctuated bit, so I see no reason for further confusion. IT got in the way of a really good piece.

The rest was fairly good, especially the opening stanza. Some real excellent, original phrasing.