#1
EDIT: this song is now up in my UG profile

it would be good to hear what this songwriting community thinks of it, thanks for reading, i hope you enjoy


Moth to Flame

Desecrate that holding me back from breaking away
Leave behind the comfort home in hope to seek and find my place

Throw myself into the void, feel my brain start turning numb
Mutating into something that i don't want to become

I'm falling faster through this decimation and its tearing us apart
If all else fails then just let it be known that you were always in my heart
We're getting closer to our aspirations and we're all under it's spell
Surging straight towards our reckoning screaming save me from myself

Self awareness kicking in, i have become such a mess
Strangled, tangled in a web of lies resisting arrest

Don't know what i expect to find, guess im feeling audacious
You will see eventually you'll find myself in someone else

I'm falling faster through this decimation and its tearing us apart
If all else fails then just let it be known that you were always in my heart
We're getting closer to our aspirations and we're all under it's spell
Surging straight towards our reckoning screaming save me from myself
Last edited by JacK C at Sep 4, 2008,
#2
i thought it was solid. topic is fairly usual, it's all a little elementary, but it's a decent set of lyrics.

i thought the fourth stanza was the strongest. had a genuinely good flow and avoided the choppiness of the rest.

otherwise, i just thought the word-choice was pretty uninventive. i mean, "audacious", "decimation", "desecrate" nice words. nicer for an essay than for a piece of poetry, they evoke nothing in terms of imagery. otherwise, we're just looking at cliche phrases "tearing us apart/always in my heart" "i have become such a mess". heard it all before.

far from a severely unique masterpiece, but spot on for a nice set of lyrics.
#5
I'm back.

So, I'm going to be honest... sorry in advance.

There wasn't much here for me. I've read it 4 times now... and everytime I can't help but feel its over done in every sense. To start with, its a very standard topic. It is something that everyone could write, as far as topic. This can have the high point of being relatable if done well, but here is the problem... the execution was over done as well. It feels so forced, like shoving a sphere into a square hole... it may fit, but it still doesn't sit right; you know?

This whole thing felt like an awkward conversation in a way. It felt like the piece wasn't comfortable in its own skin. I really tried to dig into it, but until the writing feels comfortable, its hard for the reader to jump on board. In the same way that you don't latch onto a man jumping off a cliff... this piece has some potential, but it feels untapped because I was never drawn into this... I always felt like I was reading, not experiencing.

My advice:

a) Drop the colloquialisms here. Make it feel more natural and personal... this feels cookie cutter because the diction and execution makes it feel sort of standard.

2) Branch out on the topics. This is a very standard "SAVE ME" piece. The idea you are doing accounts for most of the piece as far as being relatable and a reader favorite.

C) Keep writing, you can only go up if you keep practicing.

-zC

PS, next time don't bump. I was gonna get to it tonight, I've had no interenets.
#6
I have no emotional attachment to the character, whatsoever. You gave me nothing to feel before you started wailing on about whatever was happening, and how oh so awful it was. There's no personality in the writing. I've read it, and I'm thinking "so, uh, what's the problem with your life exactly?" Whether that's because you didn't tell me or you gave me no reason to care, it's something you need to evaluate. Put some humanness in there.