#1
This is my first song, and as you can probably see it's not too good but it's about one person finally seeing past the lies they've been told by their leaders and revolting.


Revolution of the mind
Nothing to hold, no more to bind
Pinned down for many years
The new age brings new fears

Speaking of new era
The thought is spread
A militia is readied
Trained to fight to the death

Crack the earth
Revelations told
Break the men
Embrace the cold

Propaganda they want gone
No more of the lies
They all want an end
But not one's willing to die

Soldiers march on
Through dead streets
As Captains and Admirals
Ready their fleets

Crack the earth
Revelations told
Break the men
Embrace the cold

Loading their weapons
The time draws near
Out in the background
A thunder they hear

Roaring of planes
They grab their gear
Gas masks strapped on
A few start to tear

Thoughts in their head
These may be their last;
"Why are we doing this? Why am I here?"
The only good answer; "To rid of the fear"
Quote by blackenedktulu
CFH82, I love you. I didn't laugh, but my god, I love you.

Quote by Zero-Hartman
Holy shit, that was epic. A mighty roar escapeth'd my mouth.

Quote by WyvernOmega
I saw a penis.

last.fm
#2
Revolution of the mind
Nothing to hold, no more to bind
Pinned down for many years
The new age brings new fears (this is a good opening)

Speaking of new era
The thought is spread
A militia is readied
Trained to fight to the death (the word death just pops out i would use a word more with the flow.)

Crack the earth
Revelations told
Break the men
Embrace the cold (i would make the chorus longer)

Propaganda they want gone
No more of the lies
They all want an end
But not one's willing to die (dont we all wish this... good verse... congrats)

Soldiers march on
Through dead streets
As Captains and Admirals
Ready their fleets

Crack the earth
Revelations told
Break the men
Embrace the cold

Loading their weapons
The time draws near
Out in the background
A thunder they hear

Roaring of planes
They grab their gear
Gas masks strapped on
A few start to tear

Thoughts in their head
These may be their last;
"Why are we doing this? Why am I here?"
The only good answer; "To rid of the fear"

for a first song its not bad... i get the message ur improving. besides the improvments i sugested its a good song... congrats.
#3
Thanks for taking a look at it

EDIT:
Does "Trained to fight to the end" sound better than "Trained to fight to the death"?
Quote by blackenedktulu
CFH82, I love you. I didn't laugh, but my god, I love you.

Quote by Zero-Hartman
Holy shit, that was epic. A mighty roar escapeth'd my mouth.

Quote by WyvernOmega
I saw a penis.

last.fm
Last edited by CFH82 at Aug 13, 2008,
#4
Revolution of the mind
Nothing to hold, no more to bind
Pinned down for many years
The new age brings new fears
I really like the intro, it flows nicely and it's powerful. It makes me want more, so good job.

Speaking of new era
The thought is spread
A militia is readied
Trained to fight to the death
This was a nice verse, not as powerful as the intro, but I still liked it.

Crack the earth
Revelations told
Break the men
Embrace the cold
I like how you added a new rhyme scheme to your song, that's good. This also flows. It doesn't seem like you forced any rhymes here, so good job.

Propaganda they want gone
No more of the lies
They all want an end
But not one's willing to die
I think this was the weakest point in the song. It seems like you could change this up to make it flow more. It seems a little off compared to the rest of the song, so maybe work on this.

Soldiers march on
Through dead streets
As Captains and Admirals
Ready their fleets
Again, I like the rhymes. This was good, it flowed and it made complete sense. Nothing seemed forced. I like this one a lot.

Crack the earth
Revelations told
Break the men
Embrace the cold
Covered this.

Loading their weapons
The time draws near
Out in the background
A thunder they hear
What does the thunder have to with anything in this song? Maybe I'm not catching it, but if you just put it there, then maybe you could add something different. I'm not sure if I am thinking right for this, so if I'm wrong, pay no attention here.

Roaring of planes
They grab their gear
Gas masks strapped on
A few start to tear
[color="Red}"A few start to tear," was the best line. I like this because it shows emotion and how scary things can be getting. Good job.[/COLOR"]

Thoughts in their head
These may be their last;
"Why are we doing this? Why am I here?"
The only good answer; "To rid of the fear"
This wasn't too bad either, I like how you show what they are thinking. It was interesting.

Overall I really liked it, you could touch up a couple things, but that's okay. This is especially good for your first song, good job and keep writing man.

If you can get around to it, maybe you could critique my song.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=941270