#1
C4C
So, I am working on an epic like thing (at least I hope it comes out like that). for now I am just going to post the beginning, if you want me to add more I will.

It is a bit long so I am not expecting much but a comment on it.

I know i have ignored a lot of crits with my last one, but I was really busy and ended up forgetting it, I wll not ignore these ones, I give you my word, and my life if my word is not enough .


Prelude
Still was the wind
That night at bay

Three men, or was it four?
Tall and strong, watching,
Tired as could be
But watching

Vigilant they were my first stroll around
A firm "Escape is advised,
This is no place for a sheep"

Little knowledge they had of
Who actually was the wolf

As I retreated my last steps
And peaked through a small crack
Tiny but large enough for the perception of light
To be received

Oh I was clever that night.

I sat, I watched, I heard:

"The Pelican Isles have ceased
And closed all trading posts, these
Men know nothing of culture"
This man seemed rather peculiar
Not like I, he wore clothes of
Poor cloth.

"Issue may it be, I have no time
To be spending
In a sea port without trade"
The tallest of these men,
And the more civilized

"is it time you ponder upon?
Or is it fear?"
This man, the fourth,
Or is he the fifth?
Appeared from the fog.


"be it fear, I,
By any means, do not fear
The claims of it"

A chuckle from the fifth
"No, by no means, of course

The sarcasm struck the man as
Insult, he turned his back
To all four others.

Oh I was clever, but not enough.

As he took his last steps toward my salvation
My shadow curved more to his side,
I was spotted

Oh did I learn who the fox was.
#2
I thought it was pretty good


...I'm not good at criticizing, sorry


If you want, here's a link to my song;

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=933481


You don't have to crit it seeing how I barely did yours.
Quote by blackenedktulu
CFH82, I love you. I didn't laugh, but my god, I love you.

Quote by Zero-Hartman
Holy shit, that was epic. A mighty roar escapeth'd my mouth.

Quote by WyvernOmega
I saw a penis.

last.fm
#3
I'll be honest. I had trouble reading all the way through. There were some very very solid ideas, I think. But the presentation was so vague and uninteresting it just didn't hold my attention. I spent all my time trying to figure out who was saying what and why it was important that they were saying anything. And who you were or what you were or why you were.

It seems like it lacks substance enough to fill the elongated structure you've built. Plus, said structure doesn't help you much. Its too much:

Jack walked to
Sally.
I'm a wolf.

TIGER!

Style. Its noun verb noun... no imagery, no poetic flare. Especially at the beginning. there is no hook to bring me into the idea. Its just fact, fact, random vague statement that probably hints toward something but doesn't really build intrigue.

All in all, its a decent attempt, but I feel like it needs some more development to really show its potential.

Thanks for getting to mine. I have no idea who owes who. But if you have any questions about what I've said, PM me mate.

-zC