#1
No idea where this came from. I'm slap-happy as all hell. c4c


I can't help but feel like I missed it.

That moment where a mini-Jesus falls from
the heavens and lands on my right shoulder.
That moment where he looks my in my eyes and exclaims,
"What up, G? Yeah, I know I know... Jesus shouldn't be black.
But I am. Now deal with it."

And then I'll start to ask him why he's here
and he'll pull out a giant axe and cut off my head
but leave my heart beating.
"With no logic, You'll have no trouble believing."

My head hits the ground
and pivots around
eventually stopping to face my own body
and look at the mini-Christ holding a
dogwood axe...

Yeah, I haven't had that moment yet,
because my nose still itches.
#2
don't you just love drugs
Gear:
Fender MIA Strat w/EMG SA's
Fender Super 60
Boss RT-20 Rotary Sim
Ibanez AD-9 Analog Delay
EHX Big Muff

"Doctor Kindly Tell Your Wife
That I'm Alive, Flowers Thrive
Realise, Realise, Realise"
#4
Quote by ZanasCross


I can't help but feel like I missed it.
I really liked this opener.

That moment where a mini-Jesus falls from
the heavens and lands on my right shoulder.
That moment where he looks my in my eyes and exclaims,
"What up, G? Yeah, I know I know... Jesus shouldn't be black.
But I am. Now deal with it."
Enjoyed this part, didnt spot any problem, liked the ending especially, silly yet kept a serious tone.

And then I'll start to ask him why he's here
and he'll pull out a giant axe and cut off my head
but leave my heart beating.
"With no logic, You'll have no trouble believing!"
I really liked the last line, other than that this part was good too.

My head hits the ground
and pivots around
eventually stopping to face my own body
and look at the mini-Christ holding a
dogwood axe...
I liked the rhyme in the beginning, it was fast, yet it didnt sound forced, and I enjoyed the image here too, again, keeping it silly but serious-ish.

Yeah, I haven't had that moment yet,
because my nose still itches.
and a nice closer


I enjoyed it, it was a nice read. the silliness was really kool, but yet it kept that saddish serious tone which i liked, the only thing is that the situation seemed a big long for a "I must of missed it" moment. but it adds to it.
Good job.
I think I owed you a crit a long time ago, if i did heres the return.

if not, then it would be nice if you could check out the piece i just put up, just a comment on it would be nice:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=933613
#7
I've missed your writing, Zach.

Don't expect too many useful comments on this piece: people are either going to dismiss you as a mindless junkie, or they're going to appreciate it and see nothing to critique (like me and Steve).
#8
I've missed your writing, Zach.

Don't expect too many useful comments on this piece: people are either going to dismiss you as a mindless junkie, or they're going to appreciate it and see nothing to critique (like me and Steve and ray).
^fixed

actually, one thing did kinda bug me:

"With no logic, You'll have no trouble believing!"

that's a great line, but i hate the exclamation point. actually i kinda hate all exclamation points. i feel like they take away any seriousness that may have existed in the preceding statement. that's totally a personal preference though, so you can ignore me if you so choose. i promise i won't feel bad.

thanks for having a look at mine.
let me know next time you post so i can at least attempt to be of some good to you.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#9
Man this was awesome. I don't even know why I just really like it. Good Work.
My favorite band is Tool.


Quote by dio_dude
despite the funny name, unknownpunkrock is the coolest 08'er.

_____________________________________________
Gear:

Ibanez GRG
Vox AD30VT
Randall RG50TC
Takamine C128
Dano Wah
Yamaha S90
#10
i think the first line was in a very good position. my entire outlook could've changed on this, if it wasn't there.
however, i do think that the mini-Jesus' dialogue sounded a little forced. or maybe i just don't care for it too much....idk. disregard that comment; i don't feel like backspacing, lol.
'nuther good one, Zach.
you don't know how to disappoint, do you?

btw, you'll never know how much your comment on 09/27/87 means.
thank you man.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#11
I think I finally have a good feel for your style. I've been poring over your writing all day, and I've got a start on my piece for the comp.

As for this one; the way it was written made me feel disoriented - in a giddy sort of way. The choice of line breaks was impeccable in my opinion, and also more prominent than usual. The rhythm revolved around that and the quick, easy rhymes, and altogether I began to share your mood. The ending had the usual impact; very witty and it reinforces the whole piece.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 15, 2008,
#12
- "And then I'll start to ask him why he's here
and he'll pull out a giant axe and cut off my head
but leave my heart beating.
"With no logic, You'll have no trouble believing!"" - My favourite bit is this... totally!

Its a lot easier to understand than that of your other stuff; its pretty much clear to me, personally, what I should obtain from it and thats a nice change from you. I still really love your more ambiguous writing, but this a neat little treat for me to gorge on.
Even though you have, I believe, relations towards drugs here, it still feels very centred and focused.
Now, some people may think, how the hell could he write about getting high and still be focused? But thats the beauty of drugs, they **** you up! Your so out of it that you do a full circle - the first stage is nicely numb - then your way off another planet - then your vomitting - then your back to normal, but of course your still taking drugs and still entirely high, but you've completed a full cycle of obscurity. This is the stage I rarely ever dare to reach, but maybe this is the plateau you were aiming for when writing this? Maybe I'm talking out of my ass?

Really cool. You are such an utterly cool writer, there is no other way to describe you if you ask me. Maybe there is though, but thats everyone else's descision to make.

Digitally Clean
#14
i knew that, an di think thas why i didn t see the drug connection, if there even is one. i actually reread this like a thousenat dtimes after reading somec comments because i thought i missed something important...drgus or no, though, this was good read.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#16
I thought I commented on this.. hmm.

Anyway, you really missed me on this one. It felt too quick.. too easy, almost. I read it a few times, and every time I did, I thought, "where are we going with this?" I mean, I see what you're trying to say, but it doesn't feel like I'm going anywhere. I can't immerse myself in it like I can with some of your other pieces.

This was still a fun read, though.

Also, as a little nit-picky note, the two ending lines have too much certainty to mesh with the first line. The tone contradicts itself, it would seem. I think I would've worded it something like:

Yeah, I don't think it's happened yet,
because my nose still itches.


or something to that effect.
#17
Quote by ZanasCross
No idea where this came from. I'm slap-happy as all hell. c4c


I can't help but feel like I missed it.
Decent, but doesn't really break any new ground. Kinda sets the style of the piece.

That moment where a mini-Jesus falls from
the heavens and lands on my right shoulder.
I think the transistion here could be done somewhat better. Then again, your work is much more free form, so it doesn't really matter.
That moment where he looks my in my eyes and exclaims,
"What up, G? Yeah, I know I know... Jesus shouldn't be black.
But I am. Now deal with it."
This stanza has the same quirkiness that I expect from you, but it felt like five lines of style without subject. All that it really said was that Jesus is black. The first two lines had some strength because of its followup, but it still wasn't much. The last three lines kind of disenchanted the prescence of Jesus, but didn't really add hard substance to the scene.

And then I'll start to ask him why he's here
and he'll pull out a giant axe and cut off my head
but leave my heart beating.
"With no logic, You'll have no trouble believing."
Great all around, but know I'm questioning the first stanzas Jesus even more.

My head hits the ground
and pivots around
eventually stopping to face my own body
and look at the mini-Christ holding a
dogwood axe...
The last two lines didn't really do much for me, and the first three lines seemed like they weren't closed up very much. The head is facing the body, so it seems like there should be some encounter, conversation, or something. But all that happened was that he acknowledges that Jesus has an axe. It felt like an anti-climatic end.

Yeah, I haven't had that moment yet,
because my nose still itches.
Decent ending.


Presentation was plenty good, but it didn't feel like the first stanza did a whole lot except for disenchant Jesus. I'm on the fence know as to what that does.

Crit mine in my sig if you want.
#18
Thanks everyone.

Ninja: I've read a lot of your critiques... so this isn't just coming due to mine, but also from reading a bunch of others. Sometimes man, you've got to look beyond the words and rhythms. I mean here, this is strictly free-verse. There maybe some rhythm, but that's not the point. For instance, the whole first stanza is there to set the character of the piece. Its there to show the tone and "politically incorrect" ideology that follows. It also is there to make Jesus seem more human, to set up for his following actions. Sometiems its the words and the message behind them that mean more and carry the piece more than flow, especially in poetry.

Also, the dogwood reference is layered. Jesus was crucified on a cross made of a dogwood tree, according to Roman tradition, all crosses were made from this. It's a layered reference as well.

That's not to discredit your words, nor to attack you for critiquing... its more to help you build your critiquing skills as that will help you as a writer as well.

I'll get back to you soon, mate.
#19
Man this reminds me of Rosetta Stoned by Tool

Check it out.
http://www.metrolyrics.com/rosetta-stoned-lyrics-tool.html
you can just scroll down and read the lyrics instead of waiting for that little box.

crit mine?


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=934486
My favorite band is Tool.


Quote by dio_dude
despite the funny name, unknownpunkrock is the coolest 08'er.

_____________________________________________
Gear:

Ibanez GRG
Vox AD30VT
Randall RG50TC
Takamine C128
Dano Wah
Yamaha S90
#21
Quote by ZanasCross
You're gonna have to do better than a comment like that to get a return.


when did I put that? And I already commented earlier in this thread
My favorite band is Tool.


Quote by dio_dude
despite the funny name, unknownpunkrock is the coolest 08'er.

_____________________________________________
Gear:

Ibanez GRG
Vox AD30VT
Randall RG50TC
Takamine C128
Dano Wah
Yamaha S90
#22
I return for something constructive. Because if I sit down to critique your piece... its going to be in depth. I didn't recognize your name as being the previous post... but because of that post I'll give yours a read and a comment. I thought all you had said was "this reminds me of tool" and for that I wouldn't have returned anything. I'll get back to you soon.
#23
Oh sorry man, I'm not so good at crit, but if you could do mine that would be cool.
My favorite band is Tool.


Quote by dio_dude
despite the funny name, unknownpunkrock is the coolest 08'er.

_____________________________________________
Gear:

Ibanez GRG
Vox AD30VT
Randall RG50TC
Takamine C128
Dano Wah
Yamaha S90
#24
"With no logic, You'll have no trouble believing."


This is why I married you.
(hopes that with all this going away we are actually still e-married)
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#27
I can't help but feel like I missed it.

That moment where a mini-Jesus falls from
the heavens and lands on my right shoulder.
That moment where he looks my in my eyes and exclaims,
"What up, G? Yeah, I know I know... Jesus shouldn't be black.
But I am. Now deal with it."

nice intro. has a sort of saturday morning cartoon silliness to it.
although, i cant quite see the significance of jesus being black


And then I'll start to ask him why he's here
and he'll pull out a giant axe and cut off my head
but leave my heart beating.
"With no logic, You'll have no trouble believing."

great verse. still cartoony, with the giant axe. and i really the way the tone changes on the last line

My head hits the ground
and pivots around
eventually stopping to face my own body
and look at the mini-Christ holding a
dogwood axe...

again, fine verse, although i dont think pivot seems like a good descriptor for the movement of a decapitated head. maybe its just me...

Yeah, I haven't had that moment yet,
because my nose still itches.

great ending. back to the a more humourous tone. the whole thing reads almost like the setup and punchline of a joke.

i really like this, although one minor thing that a noticed, you say you feel like you missed "it"and havent had "that moment", but then go to list two moments in quick succession. that just didnt seem right to me.

other than that, nice one.

i have a piece knocking about on here somewhere. there are links in my sig. if you could have a look at it, it would be appreciated.

cheers
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------