#1
I don't really like it, but I felt the need to be a contributing member of society.
Feedback please.


I've seen both of her faces
and realize that all points
of caution have long since passed.
It was the grin on her face,
and the guts of a bottle
charading as her conscience,
parading as her confidence.
Anywhere a lightbulb swings,
she'll be the one shifting
with the shadows.

It was just like she had dreamed,
minus the charisma
and the folding lawn chairs.
Fingers tracing broken bone
trying to make the connection.
Eyes tracing trees
from ground to canopy,
trying to make the connection.
Toes tapping to a different beat,
trying to make the connection.
Though she never could tell us apart
with her eyes closed.

"I won't say that I like you", she said,
"but I will give you this...
It takes a man to lose all the
friends that he never had
to begin with."

Maybe there is no connection.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Nov 12, 2008,
#2
this will be sort of a short crit, cause I mainly want to say that I love the title. that was such an awesome song to sing in elementary music class.

I'm gonna go through and pick out some things that I don't think work to at least do something for you.
"only minus" doesn't flow well. I suggest you change up that wording. maybe just "without"
"she said" seems totally unnecessary IMO, especially since you even include quotation marks.
"turned off a long time ago" should be changed to a one word verb phrase. this would also give it more of a connection to the first couple lines.

overall, I really liked this piece. some nice use of rhythm and word choice. great job.
...Nothing you've ever...
...Planned on ever turned out...
...The way you planned...


...You're still disappointing them...
#3
i felt it lost something as it went on. it seems at the start it's very negative towards the "she" character, but in the end she's the one who's in charge. i think that leaves this piece slightly lost, although the folding lawn chairs did for me.

however the first stanza was an excellent piece of writing. you really shouldn't be so negative.
#4
i havent read anything from you in awhile but i was impressed with this.

mainly this part

"I won't say that I like you", she said,
"but I will give you this...
It takes a man to lose all the
friends that he never had
to begin with."

nice work
#5
Thanks all.

Rock77... I made a couple changes based on your suggestions. Thanks.

AK... The mixed feelings about her are intentional and a central part of the meaning behind the piece. Thanks though.

rushmore... Thanks a lot man. Glad you liked it.