#1
Alright this has probably been done b4 but what are some of the funniest quotes that you have heard

it could be from some1 you know or famous people
#2
'next up, a pig who refuses to eat jews?'



"Ein Herz von flimmernden Hirngespinsten,
Ohne Halt und ohne Boden.
Feuer des Winters,
Herr der Träume,
Vater aller Türen: Öffne!"
Paysage d'Hiver - Ich schreite
#3
''we are professionals! we professionally suck and act like a bunch of idiots on stage''
1. You're surfing the internet.
2. You're browsing through the UG forums.
3. You're reading now.
5. You didn't notice that there was no #4.
6. You just checked it.
7. Now you're having a lil smile.

Quote by hawk_kst
You Sir, have the best signature like ever!
#4
'next up, a turkey who refuses to eat jews?'
I came here to drink milk and kick ass.

... And I've just finished my milk.
#5
necrophilia - better late than never
Schecter C1 Classic
Fender Vintage -57 Ri Stratocaster
Fender Blues JR w/ 12"Cannabis Rex
Mad Professor Sky Blue OD
Wampler Ego Compressor
TC Electronics Stereo Chorus/Flanger
#6
Anything Karl Pilkington says.
Looking to buy a Fender Jagstang, u sellin?
#8
It doesn't matter how drunk I am, I still won't have sex with you. - Me

So, I gotta ask you man, do beavers really eat wood? - Friend of mine

We're talking about the same girl here, she has a bush that was sticking out of her bikini on the beach one day, was horrible. Anyway, one of our friends had sex with her, before she went with him, I told her the first thing. Then, about a week after he had sex with her, my friend asked him the other one.
"Ignorance runs rampant through this virus we call life, dead one day, alive the next, never breaking a stride. As I take it all in and realize, nothing we do can stop it, I release the hatred from my eyes, only to feel it within."
#9
One day my friend rolls up to me and starts talking and says

"oh by the way dan, i plowed your dad and came on his face"

i howled
Quote by Atomic48
Nothing's impossible if you have the proper artillery.


Quote by Prole
In-depth common sense, at your service.


I Witnessed The Glory Of GORHL!

"It all shall fall, by the grace of the people." - ZDLR in Producer.
#10
"Outside of a book, a god is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read" Oscar Wilde (I think)
And there are very very many by Spike Milligan.
Quote by Alter-Bridge
If I had sex as much as you said the word "shit" I would be paris hilton.


Quote by rworsl
I have never felt closer to either cheese or weasels


Quote by Vermintide

DURN THING DUN GONE MESS UP AGIYAN. MARGE, FETCH ME MAH BOOMSTIYAK
#11
"you sir are drunk"

"and you madam are ugly, and tomorrow i will not be drunk, but you will still be ugly"-winston churchill
#12
it isn't easy bein CHEESY
Quote by imdeth
Centorium you dick
I keep lookin behind me,You're amazing at this


Quote by Aerokizzombie
Dam,Cent, ur repeating man scares the shit out of me, its so true


Quote by CodChick
Omg Cent,Ive been havin nightmares because of u


Quote by MCMXCII
**** you man,I was just going to bed


I'm scary
#14
"Tom, do snakes piss out of their mouths?" - My ex girl friend during lunch break at school.
If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—forever." 1984.
#15
"The German asparagus are fabulous." - George W. Bush

"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech." --George W. Bush, to Pope Benedict
#16
Aids has a silent Q in fornt of it? - Blonde woman i met
CYMRU


Quote by apothecarrie
I cut my tongue with a spoon.


Andrew Wk Party Tip 11Be Awesomer!

Woo
#17
"Go chew the crust off your grandmas flabby vag flaps"
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.
#18
"once i was fapping, and then my mum walked in, and she looked at me, and she screamed at me:

"USE THE SEARCHBAR!"

true story."
Quote by imdeth
Centorium you dick
I keep lookin behind me,You're amazing at this


Quote by Aerokizzombie
Dam,Cent, ur repeating man scares the shit out of me, its so true


Quote by CodChick
Omg Cent,Ive been havin nightmares because of u


Quote by MCMXCII
**** you man,I was just going to bed


I'm scary
#19
Quote by Samurai Chicken
"The German asparagus are fabulous." - George W. Bush

"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech." --George W. Bush, to Pope Benedict


You know, I think some of the stuff Bush says has some humor to it.
And I don't hate him at all.


"If the soap can't get the dirt off what makes you think the ketchup bottle will?"
Brother talking to my dad. Most genius quote ever.
#20
Quote by CaptainRon
You know, I think some of the stuff Bush says has some humor to it.
And I don't hate him at all.


"If the soap can't get the dirt off what makes you think the ketchup bottle will?"
Brother talking to my dad. Most genius quote ever.


Of course, the name of the thread is: Funny Quotes
#22
Quote by Samurai Chicken
Of course, the name of the thread is: Funny Quotes


Haha didn't even realize that.

Wow this 48 hours w/o sleep is killing my brain...
#24
Not the funniest ever, but in Shaun in Shaun of the Dead goes "He's always hated me and now he wants to shoot my mum" - in context it's really funny.
Signed.
#26
Quote by Metallicaloveu
Not the funniest ever, but in Shaun in Shaun of the Dead goes "He's always hated me and now he wants to shoot my mum" - in context it's really funny.



+ 10

also "DAVID kill the Queen"

Ed-i dinged it...
Shaun-you were parked!
Ed-yeah but....

all shaun of the dead..bthere better in context 2
Quote by imdeth
Centorium you dick
I keep lookin behind me,You're amazing at this


Quote by Aerokizzombie
Dam,Cent, ur repeating man scares the shit out of me, its so true


Quote by CodChick
Omg Cent,Ive been havin nightmares because of u


Quote by MCMXCII
**** you man,I was just going to bed


I'm scary
#27
Quote by centorium
+ 10

also "DAVID kill the Queen"

Ed-i dinged it...
Shaun-you were parked!
Ed-yeah but....

all shaun of the dead..bthere better in context 2


haha yeh that was a good one. I may have to watch that tonight...
Signed.
#28
After a futile attempt at explaining why I needed another tank to breed fish my mum asked

'If you seperate the mummy fish from the baby fish how do the babies get their milk'
I think its obvious to.. everyone that fish don't have mothers milk.... and that guppies actually eat their babies...

And when me and my dad wer trying to explain to her why those hand cleaning gel things are a bad idea, she said ', what if you stroked cows before dinner,' My reply ', Yes mother because we all stroke cows..,'
#29
'I can wash that out, but you'll always be a prick'
Lemmy rules
Bristol Rovers

Up the Gas!




Please, call me Joe.
#30
Quote by Jonny92
'next up, a pig who refuses to eat jews?'


It's actually a pig who refuses to eat juice.

Family guy rules though
#31
Man naked apart from a hat covering his "you know whats" Sunbathing.

Woman walks pasts and says "You know if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady."

Man replies: "If you weren't so bloody ugly the hat would lift itself."
#32
On the topic of mine and my friend's glasses we raised to the point that our other friend used to wear glasses and we asked him why he doesn't wear them any more and he said...

"Well my mum woke me up really early to go to the eye opticians"

we have never let him live it down.


Quote by andychalmers102
"Go chew the crust off your grandmas flabby vag flaps"


I shagged your nan's exo-skeleton.

Something one of my friend's used to say and I always pissed at.
Stand up and cheer if you like SimCity

Play Up Pompey, Pompey Play Up
THE WiLDHEARTS

Quote by goest
I'm going to take this opportunity to initiate my campaign to replace the phrase "Taking a shit" with "Busting a grumpy."
#34
"You cant spill holy water. It's mixed with the urine of 7 virgins."
My family

"Gentleman, a bobsleigh is a simple thing."
"Yea so is a toilet!"
Cool Runnings
#35
^

Cool Runnings rules!

How about i kick your butt?

How about i draw a line down the middle of your head so it looks like a butt?
Stand up and cheer if you like SimCity

Play Up Pompey, Pompey Play Up
THE WiLDHEARTS

Quote by goest
I'm going to take this opportunity to initiate my campaign to replace the phrase "Taking a shit" with "Busting a grumpy."
#36
Quote by SlipknotRule93
^

Cool Runnings rules!

How about i kick your butt?

How about i draw a line down the middle of your head so it looks like a butt?





Ya dead?
Yea mann

i love that film
#37
Quote by bauer094
It's actually a pig who refuses to eat juice.

Family guy rules though


no its jews to berk, think about it, jews dont eat pigs, so pigs wont eat them


anyway, "if it wasnt for electricity, we would all be watching television by candle light"
Quote by MooshMooshMarc
i have to admit, I laughed a little

at long f*cking last... a decent compliment



I POSTED THE PEAR ALL I GOT WAS A LOUSY WARNING