#1
-Georgetown, Massachusetts

red building in the back where she slept.
smoked outside, and talked to others,
who have it much worse.

i had visited before, but had to sit at a table,
in the red building up front.

surrounded by fish.
i wanted a drink, but they were outside of the bowl,
and needed a beverage as well.

never leave without saying goodbye.
all the eyes in the room,
visitor, and fish
will glare upon the glass bowl where i stand.

after i left the red building,
someone tapped on the glass bowl,
and i realized how hard
it felt.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Aug 14, 2008,
#2
The line breaks killed much of this for me but the content, especially the last couple of stanzas, seemed like you getting back to your best.
#3
i agree with Jamie on the line breaks; everything just seems a tad too fragmented to truly appreciate any kind of solid connection that it poses, imo.
however; i don't think this was on display for a well-rounded connection in the first place, if i'm interpreting right.
still, i love the style that you promote.
so, tell me; are you a badfish too? lol.
i thought the third verse was win.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
The choppy style doesnt read well however i dont knwo the style of music your putting these lyrcis too... it might work for you...

I enjoyed the lyrics in general though
#5
i also agree about the line breaks. they seemed unnecessary, sort of like they were just an afterthought.

stanza 3, although i liked the idea and the content, felt a bit mechanical to me. i think its the "as well," too down to business for my liking. does that make sense?

aside from that and the line breaks, though, this was a good read.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#7
Okay, I fixed the line breaks somewhat. Hopefully it is easier to read.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror