#1
sorry no more from me...
Last edited by Th3V1nce at Aug 21, 2008,
#4
Good for a first song

Good for a song


But these lines didnt flow for me...


If my heart could only sing, Oh it would recite

and

If my heart had a wish
itd be for its love to rise

For me it seems to flow better as ---

If my heart could sing then it would recite

and

If I had a wish,
I would make our love rise.

But pretty impressive. great writing
#5
The song picks up a little energy in that stanza and its the "Oh" that kinkda lifts it...
but yea i see what your saying
#6
Quote by Th3V1nce
Hey guys... this is my first song ive written...
Didnt follow the rules the first time posting lol... here it is again correctly..
Id appretiate any criticism or suggestions
help me out a little bit...

Alright im attempting not to be too cliche... but its a little difficult in a love song.

a little background..
shes got green eyes and 9:24 is "our" time.. we make wishes on it kind of like 11:11..

here it is:

If wishes were horses id know how to ride
If the cap doesnt quite fit id still never let it slide
Cause i could draw all i need from one look in your eyes
Take me through those skies
Those deep green skies

I'm not so sure about the first two lines, but I do really like the other three. There well written and quite clever consider the information given above.

If dreaming was living you'd never die
If my heart could only sing, Oh it would recite
The perfect melody of this love i can not hide
And id be right
It feels so right

Definitely like the first line its quite good, though I think you could drop one of the last lines with both of those "rights" its seems a bit dragged on.

When your hearts this close to mine my heart roars
We can walk bear feet across these sandy shores
Time is something we will ignore
Cause my clock is stuck
at 9:24

I like this stanza especially the last couple lines, though the rhyme scheme in this stanza does seem a bit forced to me.

If wishes were horses we would ride
If my heart had a wish
itd be for its love to rise
outside
and collide
with those skies
Those deep green skies

I really like the change maybe even a little better than the original first stanza. Really not much else to say on it but I still don't know about the first two lines I'd maybe try something else with it but if thats what you like (maybe you like riding horses or what not) then that should work just fine for you.

Thanks in advance guys

C4C

Overall I liked it. It didn't seem too cliched especially since it is a love song and those tend to be a bit over the top lol. There are a few parts where it seems like the rhyme scheme is a little forced but if you think you need to change I don't think you'd have much problem with it. And if you could crit mine I've got a link in my sig