#1
So, I'm on vacations for a long time but these two previous weeks I was not at home and I had no computer to post anything. I'm not particulary fond with anything I had wrote during my absence, but I missed posting something in here, so here it is.

Saying goodbye to home
Or whatever you may call
Saying goodbye to neighbours
Who weren’t there at all
Saying goodbye to the streets
That sheltered me as a kid
Building this rebel fist

Leaving home never cost so much

Saying goodbye to the bar
Where I drowned my duties
And I sang endless drinking songs
Which in the end would ruin me
Saying goodbye to people
Who I knew nothing about
But every trace of their faces

Leaving home never cost so much

Saying goodbye to the sheds
And abandoned scraps
That will wait for the rest of my life
Each time I come back
Saying goodbye to the Platonism
That made me fall in love every year
I’ll sign the divorce!

Leaving home never cost so much


I'm leaving again on friday to go to a friend's summer house. I have access to the net there but I doubt I will have time or if I'm in the mood to it. Nonehteless all critiques will be returned sooner or later so the C4C is still on. Sorry for anyone who will not approve this but c'est la vie...
#2
First things first, glad to see another piece from you. I've been missing your crits on my stuff.

Quote by seventh_angel
So, I'm on vacations for a long time but these two previous weeks I was not at home and I had no computer to post anything. I'm not particulary fond with anything I had wrote during my absence, but I missed posting something in here, so here it is.

Saying goodbye to home
Or whatever you may call
Whatever I may call what?
Saying goodbye to neighbours
Who weren’t there at all
Good flow and rhyme
Saying goodbye to the streets
That sheltered me as a kid
Building this rebel fist

Leaving home never cost so much
Almost a comical line. I like it.

Saying goodbye to the bar
Where I drowned my duties
And I sang endless drinking songs
'I' isn't really needed in this line.
Which in the end would ruin me
Saying goodbye to people
Who I knew nothing about
I like this couplet quite a bit.
But every trace of their faces

Leaving home never cost so much

Saying goodbye to the sheds
And abandoned scraps
That will wait for the rest of my life
Interesting. In a good way.
Each time I come back
Saying goodbye to the Platonism
That made me fall in love every year
I’ll sign the divorce!
This line isn't as powerful as the rest of the piece.

Leaving home never cost so much
I like the repetition of this line, but I think, especially here, that you could use a second line to follow it up, to give it more weight. Just an idea.


I'm leaving again on friday to go to a friend's summer house. I have access to the net there but I doubt I will have time or if I'm in the mood to it. Nonehteless all critiques will be returned sooner or later so the C4C is still on. Sorry for anyone who will not approve this but c'est la vie...