#1
Spiral down into your deepest hole
Let your mind carry you where it may

Your visions remind us all
Of the day when the fulcrum was still
Hanging in silence over your broken city
Your broken life
Just let it all go
The edges of your photograph are becoming blurry
Nerve endings are falling from your body
Your visions remind us all

I used to know
Who I was
Ever since you came back to me
I've lost track
Of time
Of life
But one thing still remains

Now it's time for you to leave
Put on your coat and fade in to the night
Just like everyone else

Why did you believe?
You ****ing trusted
Everything you ever knew was a lie
Now it's all gonna come back
I'm gonna look right through you
You're coming home


Any comments would be awesome
My favorite band is Tool.


Quote by dio_dude
despite the funny name, unknownpunkrock is the coolest 08'er.

_____________________________________________
Gear:

Ibanez GRG
Vox AD30VT
Randall RG50TC
Takamine C128
Dano Wah
Yamaha S90
#2
anyone?
My favorite band is Tool.


Quote by dio_dude
despite the funny name, unknownpunkrock is the coolest 08'er.

_____________________________________________
Gear:

Ibanez GRG
Vox AD30VT
Randall RG50TC
Takamine C128
Dano Wah
Yamaha S90
#3
Can't quite make much sense of it honestly, from what I've gathered it's about somebody that disrupted your life in a great way once before, left..came back, and they're planning to leave again? Regardless, it paints a good picture in my mind, and you have an interesting way with words (my favorite line being nerve endings are falling from your body)

Overall, pretty good job. If you have the time, care to crit mine?

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=935324
My gear
Ibanez RG7321
Jackson Warrior WRXT *FS/FT*
Jasmine J35
Squier Fender P-Bass
Ibanez TBX150H
Crate 4x12
Fender Rumble 60


Part of UG's 7 STRING LEGION
#4
I loved this piece, but this part stuck out at me like crazy:
I used to know
Who I was
Ever since you came back to me
I've lost track
Of time
Of life
But one thing still remains

Best part of the poem in my opinion. Awesome imagery throughout the piece, great job.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#5
Thanks man
My favorite band is Tool.


Quote by dio_dude
despite the funny name, unknownpunkrock is the coolest 08'er.

_____________________________________________
Gear:

Ibanez GRG
Vox AD30VT
Randall RG50TC
Takamine C128
Dano Wah
Yamaha S90
#6
The edges of your photograph are becoming blurry
Nerve endings are falling from your body

those are the best two lines in it. i can't really construct a story from it, but it definitely sets a distinct mood which i do like. its a decent work and i can see that you have room to develop into a good writer from it. my bit of advice is more imagery usage like the two lines above
#7
A few things I enjoyed: beginning/end Your visions remind us all repetition, the emotion, the last stanza

A few things I didn't enjoy: First two lines were too cliched for much of an impact, capitalizing at every line, the whole thing felt stiff

When you write, forget about what you've seen or heard before. What worked for others doesn't necessarily work for you. Use the arrangement of words - not just line breaks - to your advantage. Play around with it, make it your own.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.