#1
i notice things:
your blush, your brow,
little sighs and huffs.
i notice when you read,
and i notice when you're bored.
"what relevance does a dying wick
have to anything?"
you ask, again.

watch me, sometime,
a keystroke ballet
gracefully placing phrases
twisting and dancing round
each other, synchronised,
a pirouette here and there,
a wave to the watching crowd.

and soon you'll know
what the dying wick shows,
as the last swirl of smoke
weaves its way outside
the open window.
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
i notice things:the colon here, though i'm sure not intended, indicates a more pretentious aspect than what this needs, imo. take it back down to earth with "like" instead man, and give it some even-flow.
your blush, your brow, i don't like the singularity here. i'd probably replace that comma with "and." it'd also run into the next line a little smoother.
little sighs and huffs.i like "huffs."
i notice when you read,
and i notice when you're bored."notice" makes the read a tad rougher than how smooth these two lines are capable of being.
"what relevance does a dying wick
have to anything?"
you ask, again.

watch me, sometime,
a keystroke ballet
gracefully placing phrasesthe flow just kicked into high gear.
twisting and dancing round
each other, synchronised,
a pirouette here and there,
a wave to the watching crowd.

and soon you'll know
what the dying wick shows,
as the last swirl of smoke
weaves its way outside
the open window.great ending man. just, good stuff. bravo.
well, i did the best i could to offer any insight man, i know i've owed you for awhile. tbh though, there really wasn't much to pick at. i liked it; which generally isn't out of the ordinary when it comes to your posts.
peace up, A-Town down jigga.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
i notice things:
Not my favorite first line, 'things' just isn't my favorite word, and it doesn't really say much anyways.
your blush, your brow,
little sighs and huffs.
i notice when you read,
This line is strange to me, just in the sense that reading is an action, easy to tell when someone is doing it, as opposed to being bored, which can be disguised easily.
and i notice when you're bored.
"what relevance does a dying wick
have to anything?"
you ask, again.

watch me, sometime,
a keystroke ballet
cool word choice
gracefully placing phrases
twisting and dancing round
each other, synchronised,
a pirouette here and there,
a wave to the watching crowd.

and soon you'll know
what the dying wick shows,
I liked this line, it has a lot of meaning.
as the last swirl of smoke
weaves its way outside
the open window.


Short, but sweet. I enjoyed it.
#5
I don't like the wick analogy, maybe its because I wasn't in the mood to try and decipher it, or maybe because I think its cliched, I don't know, but the rest, I adored.
I have to be in a certain mood to really grasp the sense of your writing, not necessarily what you are trying to say, but more the method of your penmanship and whats happening behind the words. I am happy to say I was, almost, in the perfect mood for this.

- "i notice things:
your blush, your brow,
little sighs and huffs." - It feels like "sighs" here should of been something more flowy concerning the rest of the section, but maybe thats the remaining percentage of my personality that didn't entirely love this. To someone else though, the odd word choice might suit this and help it to avoid becoming overly poetic and repetitive.

- "watch me, sometime,
a keystroke ballet" - This was really nice.

- "and soon you'll know
what the dying wick shows,
as the last swirl of smoke
weaves its way outside
the open window." - The only reason why I will not say I dislike this section is because of how much I enjoyed the rest of the song and how it connected so well together.

The flow in the second verse perfectly suited the dancing theme as well, btw.

Digitally Clean
#7
This was quite tasty Jamie. The sort of thing that doesn't really need a critique. It all sits so well within itself.

May not be the best thing you've ever written... but its quite a scrumptious little read.

I know this was a nothing crit, but I'd really appreciate a comment on untitled.
#8
DC - The dying wick is cliche, yes, but it is a recurring image and thus holds actual meaning, rather than pappy filler.

Kent - Thanks man. However I tend to use semi-colons in that way, and don't find it pretentiou myself.

Ray - Should I wear something nice?

Thanks too Zach, skaliveson, flyginly.

Anyone have anything I can take a look at for them?