#1
if anyone finds my mind, please be kind enough to PM me and i'll give you the remit-to address.

the youth of Hurricane, are A-OK!

caught a jist
of inaudible lips
through a whirl of reform
and disclosure.
driving around
downtown
"and what's happ'nin?"
ja-let-let-let me edjakate 'ya.

missile, missile
bomb, bomb
we're not the ones,
no,
we ain't the ones
they cut off our thumbs
stitch 'em to our tongues
stuff the guns in our gums
and tape the triggers down
so
run, run
ska,
badda-bop
ba,
dum-dum-dum.
and they were cooking
up children
i could smell the skin
a little like sex
coming from the vents
soaked into the mattresses
splaying naked innocence,
locked into the bedsheets.
burn. burn. burn.

pig bastard cop
told me
-son-
-it's-
-over.-
there aint no
pigeon foot good fellas
scene robber's muff tale
draft snatching nanna peppers
underground snuff shots,
anymore,
we're all sold souls
and undertows
of hindsight eyes
in tight blindfolds
the billboards say
exit's in between tattooed shoulders.

"grow a spine."

but i'm driving alone.
look at you, stupid;
always in the passenger seat.
look again, stupid;
i'm driving drinking stoned.

.alone.


/vent
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#2
Aside from the first stanza, this barely seemed like you at all. Normally you pack such a punch with as few words as possible, here it was just the opposite. Once I got over my initial surprise though, not a bad read. Not near as good as your normal pieces, but I see you had to get this off your chest, and I love the emotion put into it.

Very glad you're still around and still writing.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
i absolutely loved the ending. the flow, again, exceeded what i believe is possible in flow. you just take the rhythm to a level far beyond anything i've read before.

Quote by ottoavist
but i'm driving alone.
look at you, stupid:
always in the passenger seat.
look again, stupid;
i'm driving drinking stoned.


incredible talent
#4
thank you guys very much.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
A lot more rhythm than flow. The entire time I could here an upbeat jazz swing thing going on, but it sort of helped the piece move along. From what I read I was thinking WWII, that idea comes from the second verse in particular, as well as the line "tattooed shoulders". I was thinking concentration/death camp markings. The last line of the first verse is excellent, although I'm having trouble tying it in with the rest. Possibly uneducated lower class people who seek change, but do not know how to solve anything without violence? Thanks for the comment on my piece.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#7
- "pigeon foot good fellas" - I love this line man!

I found this to be a little bit too long, just a little.
The last two verse's were truly awesome with really witty, humorous and delectable words, but there was too much of it. Its wacky and totally outrageous termanology and rhythm isn't complimented by a similarly over the top layout, if you know what I mean?
This is a very minor gripe that is maybe very very personal and not something to worry about, I don't know.

Anyway, I agree with Skag, your last verse was a triumph of words being thrown into the lions den and coming out ****ed up, but beauitful. Almost like the Elephant Man being forced gorgeous by razor sharp blades groping across his face. The Elephant Man meats Edward Scissor Hands, thats what this is!

Digitally Clean
#8
Quote by freshtunes
Possibly uneducated lower class people who seek change, but do not know how to solve anything without violence?
spot on, man.

goldfish, Chris; thank you so much for reading.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.