#1
all comments appreciated, will crit 4 crit.


Though you can see my face
Heads spaced another place
soaring the waves and tides
In the universe of my mind
While death you all chase
Im out looking into lifes case

Outside the side box
Outside your sky box
Is where you can find
A key that unlocks
What wasnt ment to hide
Simply forgotten and lost

Rains comin at me sideways
Brains faster then the highways
Living on a different frequency
Seems to cause much secrecy
Wonder whats timing my way
Eyes lost in another skydaze

Outside the side box
Outside your sky box
Is where you can find
A key that unlocks
What wasnt ment to hide
Simply forgotten and lost

Moon, sun, stars, and sky
Have been since birth of time
Familiar with everyones self
Sits upon the unkown shelf
Weve forgotten to ask whys
We know not our own minds
Last edited by mindtrek at Oct 20, 2008,
#3
At points, it was good.

At other points, the rhyming was forced and you spelt meant wrong
#4
Just from the first read, it seemed like you wrote a line and just tried to find something that would 1) sound cool and 2) rhyme to follow. Every line should have a purpose. Other than that though, it was rather nice. Interesting word choice.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja