#1
golden night outwards
on empty street lights
as I spilled after you with twisted delight
and what a sight
in those valleys of walls
(or as we always called them)
big 'dark and talls'
just us, two
plus the echoes, our friends
the game starts
starts
starts
starting to en-
and not a moment too soon
but lungs filled up with space
must then rid of room
it hurts me to breathe I *puff*
shouted ahead
as the price of gas slowly rose
from my chest to my head
you aren't trying hard enough
she returned
laughing lament
sure, right, you win. I relent
as I pulled from my pocket
a list of things to be done

Get out of the city.

underlined, number one.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 14, 2008,
#2
pfft, and you say i have good flow?
this was awesome.

the only thing that bothered me here, was the phrase in the parentheses. since you used "we'd," i'd change "called" to "call." the "we'd" already generates the past tense you need there.
other than that, great job Jake.
just, really great job.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
Quote by Billyjson
golden night outwards
on empty street lights
I'm feeling the flow already.
as I spilled after you with twisted delight
and what a sight
in those valleys of walls
(or as we'd always called them)
I don't see the importance of this line.
big 'dark and talls'
I'm liking the way the rhymes fit in too.
just us, two
plus the echoes, our friends
the game starts
starts
starts
starting to en-
and not a moment too soon
but lungs filled up with space
must then rid of room
it hurts me to breathe I *puff*
shouted ahead
as the price of gas slowly rose
from my chest to my head
Awesome line
you aren't trying hard enough
she returned
laughing lament
Interesting combination of words.
sure, right, you win. I relent
as I pulled from my pocket
a list of things to be done

Get out of the city.

underlined, number one.
Awesome ending! Not crazy about the wording, but it is needed for the rhyme, so I don't mind.


I really enjoyed this piece, just like any that I read. The flow and rhyme was all great, as was the wording. All around, I can't find a whole lot to critique here.
#4
Can I just say first that I absolutely love this? It's like one big circle and each line weaves into the next and back again, it's just perfect. There are some things I could suggest for improvement though. I'd change "as we'd always called them" to as we always called them, it reads better. I love how you repeated starts, it doesn't sound awkward because it's an echo I would take the up out of "but lungs filled up with space", also reads better to me. The ending is stellar !
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#5
The only thing I have a comment on is:

(or as we'd always called them)

Might work better as:

(or as we always called them)
#6
Funny, I suppose I have to change that now.
Thank you all.

Kent
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
nice piece, i'm really liking the first 10 lines. i think that would stand up all on it's own. fantastic.
i didn't think the second half was quite as good, although still very good obviously.

"as the price of gas slowly rose
from my chest to my head"

were two lines of note.

my only gripe would be with repitetion of starts, which i didn't like.

i've read other pieces from you, although never commented before. it's all very good.