#1
It was our first play of the season
We just danced the night away
Losing track of time we wondered
If we’d see the break of day

But we will feel it now
And we will leave this town
So lets get down tonight
Well drink untill the light hit’s the ground

My sunshades block the harsh light
Where the tears of youth once ran
The clock ticks 5 past forty
And my mind flips to where this began

You saved me
But you hate me
For all that we feel
Now…

criticism apreciated i'm not sure about the chorus myself, but the end bit is sort of screamed, the rest is sort of punkyish, cheers
#3
Quote by generatestatic
It was our first play of the season
We just danced the night away
Losing track of time we wondered
If we’d see the break of day
I like this first stanza its seems a bit short but sweet, though it doesn't come off as the enterance of a song its a solid stanza but its comes off as starting to read a new book right in the middle you don't know whats really going on. Although it doesn't take away from the song.

But we will feel it now
And we will leave this town
So lets get down tonight
Well drink untill the light hit’s the ground
I see your going with the 4 line stanza's which isn't bad but I think your writing could go further than just 4 lines.

My sunshades block the harsh light
Where the tears of youth once ran
The clock ticks 5 past forty
And my mind flips to where this began
I do like this stanza but the line that goes "the clock ticks 5 past fourty" confused me a bit. I think you maybe better of saying 5 past 4 or so on, just because it may come across as confusing to others as well.

You saved me
But you hate me
For all that we feel
Now…
I could definitely see this as being a good screamo part as well as and end.

criticism apreciated i'm not sure about the chorus myself, but the end bit is sort of screamed, the rest is sort of punkyish, cheers


Overall its a good piece though I think it could use some work and be a great piece. I'm not sure if your done or not 'cause it does seem a bit short but whats there is good. I just hope that if you do add something it will show more of what the songs really about because though I liked it, I found my self still wondering what the meaning or story behind the song was. If you could crit mine I've got a link in my sig