#1
in 8th grade there was a show titled 'Undressed'
the premise was heavy petting.
bra straps falling off,
lips tracing waist lines,
lots of group involvement.
i'm reminded in a kitchen
watching six bodies trade fluid.
awkward intimacy;
i'd feel inside her on the back of the bus.
public declaration of our sexuality.

my friends keep telling me they want to die
over hazy eyes and stuttered hugs
its like feeling 13 only the plots are even less interesting.

monday evening i flew a kite,
ate oysters and slept
while boy and girl rolled in sand
acting out some cologne ad.
something tells me they're in love
but, when i look at them they just seem undressed.
#2
Quote by pixiesfanyo
in 8th grade there was a show titled 'Undressed'
the premise was heavy petting.
bra straps falling off,
lips tracing waist lines,
lots of group involvement.
i'm reminded in a kitchen
watching six bodies trade fluid.
awkward intimacy;
i'd feel inside her on the back of the bus.
public declaration of our sexuality.

to be honest, i'm kind of uncertain about this stanza. i didn't like the use of "lots of". it sounds a bit too casual, for lack of better words. the three last lines was quite minimalistic, and i kind of think the "lots of" ruins the mood in a way. besides this i think you could have split this one into two stanzas. after the "lots of" line, it feels like the poem moves and and that there's a significant change in tone, but perhaps that's just me

my friends keep telling me they want to die
over hazy eyes and stuttered hugs
its like feeling 13 only the plots are even less interesting.

the only fault i can find here is a few grammatical mistakes. like that it is "it's". also, some punctation wouldn't hurt. somehow i also feel that the last line is a bit too long. you could easily split it into two lines wihtout making it too awkward. i love how you return to the aspect of being 13/an 8th grader, though.

monday evening i flew a kite,
ate oysters and slept
while boy and girl rolled in sand
acting out some cologne ad.
something tells me they're in love
but, when i look at them they just seem undressed.
i loved this. got nothing to say here. just an excellent ending to the piece.


overall, this was a good poem. i've lurked around and read some of your other stuff and from what i can tell, this is far from your best. it's a decent piece with some good lines, but i didn't have any particular "wow"-factor for me, so to speak.

if you feel like returning, you can read my latest piece here .
#3
ahh, the good 'ol Undressed MTV days, eh?

well, i suppose it's none of my business, but i don't think the title did it any justice. it kinda puts the piece itself into the clouds before the reader even gets to the(extremely) down to earth subject matter, imo.
i didn't like the way you began the first stanza, with the 8th grade line; i think it'd be better suited by identifying that time period with age, rather than school, because the rest of the piece just continues as an elaboration of the contrasts with experience and resolve that age brings?(in a nutshell) i hope i'm on the right track... maybe everyone can get their own little fix off of this gorgeous creation...but i loved it. a very satisfying read, indeed; nothing surprising from you.

think you could take a glance over mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=934689
thanks.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


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