#1
This is one of my first attempts to write poetry/prose. I have written like I write songs, but tried to write a poem...
It's like a song poem thing. Anyway, I am trying to use more poetry techniques in my writing, so I have tried wordplay and metaphors etc etc....


Don’t Waste Away
Balloons are hidden in the closet
Safely locked away, with all the things you will receive.

Seasons always rushing by as I watch you grow.

Days trace away as if time is a train - We’re all just waiting till the end of the line.

Youth is something you can’t earn back, but
You thrive to let it go.

Now comes the age of dance and drugs - of trance and clubs.
You’ll chug until the world slants and shrugs.

In the morning you are one day older…

*

Hope you enjoy tomorrow - and I
Hope you enjoy next year - but I
Hope that forty years from now,
You’re not mourning you are one day younger.


Thanks in advance...

(This piece was written the day before my sister turned 16 if that helps anybody understand.)
Last edited by Lum at Aug 20, 2008,
#2
Quote by Lum
This is one of my first attempts to write poetry/prose. I have written like I write songs, but tried to write a poem...
It's like a song poem thing. Anyway, I am trying to use more poetry techniques in my writing, so I have tried wordplay and metaphors etc etc....


Don’t Waste Away
Balloons are hidden in the closet
Safely locked away, with all the things you will receive.
(This line seems out of place. This piece is about growing older, and this line makes it seem like there will be a birthday, but there is never a mention later of a birthday party, or of the narrator giving any gift to whoever he/she is talking about. Not sure if you need this line in the poem.)

Seasons have been rushing by as
I’ve been watching you grow up.
(Perhaps this stanza could be changed to
"Seasons rush by as
I've been watching you grow(or grow old?)"
I think that this would mess with your tense throughout, but it seems awkward like this. The first line doesn't seem to flow well with the use of "have been", I think. The word "up" at the end of the second line also seems to break the flow as well."

Days sprint away as if time is a train - We’re all just waiting till the end of the line.
Good imagery, but a train doesn't sprint. Just a detail. I also was expecting the end of the second part to rhyme with either train have the 'ay' sound. The first line seemed to use the 'ay' sound in sort of an internal rhyme, what with 'away' and 'train' both having that sound. Good line though.)

Youth is something you can’t earn back, but
You thrive to let it go.
(Saying you can't earn youth back implies that there is something you can do to get it back, which the rest of the poem seems to say is something you can't do. Also, I don't think 'thrive' works as a verb here. I understand what you are trying to say in this line, but the way you said it doesn't work.)

Now comes the age of dance and drugs - of trance and clubs.
You’ll chug until the world will slant,
And shrug.
(Maybe 'age of dancing and drugs'? I don't think you need the 'will' in front of 'slant', which I think would read and sound better as 'slants'. On a smaller note, the word 'chug' seems a little out of place.)
In the morning you are one day older…
(I like this, but would it read better as:
'In the morning you're just a day older'? Just opinion, though, this is a good line.)

*

Hope you enjoy tomorrow - and I
Hope you enjoy next year - but I
Hope that forty years from now,
(I like the way you arranged this stanza, with 'Hope' starting each line. Nice stanza.)

You’re not mourning you were one day younger.
(This seems to break the flow a little, and I don't think that it needs to be separated from the other stanza. I love the idea behind it though.)


Thanks in advance...



A pretty solid piece, I enjoyed reading and critiquing it. The first link in my sig is my newest piece, if you want to give it a read.

Keep up the good work
#3
Hey thanks for the crit

First off i like how the theme evolves

a few things that stuck out to me...

The line "I've been watching you grow up" seems a little choppy and forced

Id say drop the "up" and reword the stanza a little more creatively it seems too simple
make it a little more abstract would be my say...

Also trains don't sprint

For some odd reason i have the urge to tell you to change it to something like
"Days sprint away as if time was a gazelle... where all just waiting till the lion catches up"

or a variation... but trains seem bland to me and the end of the line doesnt exactly give the image i think your looking for... rethink it a little

Thats my input

its a nice peice
Have fun with it...