#1
The new title of this piece is "Shall I compare thee to a summer day" now. I thought it was passingly funny.


If these words were a gun
I just might shoot you
dead
If mere verbs could paint
A picture in your head
I'd give you Guernica.

I'd show you how Jesus bled

You think you're so clever.
Oh darling damsel,
my dear...
Crawl your ass
out
of my bed.
Last edited by El Tostito at Jan 23, 2010,
#2
Thanks for the help with my piece.

If these words were a gun
I think I'd shoot you.
dead
In my opinion this could be much more powerful as 'I'd shoot you dead' because the 'I think' part gives a sense of uncertainty.

If mere verbs could
paint
A picture in your head
I'd give you Guernica.
I like the reference to Guernica, but i don't think that 'paint' works on a seperate line. I would put it at the end of the first line.

I'd show you how Jesus
bled
This may work better on one line all together, but standing seperately.

You think you're so clever.
Sweet lovely Strumpet, I don't like the use of the word strumpet here. I just don't like that word at all.

my dear...

Crawl your ass
out
of my bed.
I like this line very much, as it comes across with a sense of frustration yet it is done in a comedic way.
Welldone, Good piece to read.
#3
This was well done. I really enjoyed reading it!
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#4
I like it!
I prefer the word damsel a lot more to Strumpet though so wise move there....


...yeah ^__^;
Quote by SteveHouse
Also you're off topic. This thread is about Reva eating snowmen.
#6
First of all, thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. Secondly, I enjoyed reading this piece. tThe tone was great. The only thing that bothers me is the lay out. I just feel that the rhythm is really weird. I think some lines could be extended. There just seems to be too much inconsistency in the flow. Punctuation might help. Anyways, nice read and you ought to post more recent pieces.