#1
theres a good chance
by the time i get to
the falling water
it will already have spilt.
i'll be burning bridges
that should not have been built.

she will design a tower
that touches to the top
of my eyebrow
and blocks out my view
of the roman streets
few too many ever visit

peterson 969 was the ship
he boarded in september of
nineteen-eighty-five.
ran through reasons to stay;
wishes of family to go.

i will never ask you what you thought
of the straits of gibralter.
caught with a rock,
now brazil and you stand at the alter.

given that the two horse drawn carriages
plowed through funeral flowers
killed two marriages
and left a sour taste
for me to smell
like rotten tomato juice

my resignation to your poor choices
in female companionship has been spoken.
bicycles.catch.accidental black eye.backyard barbeque
all remind me of the better times i spent with you.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#2
i honestly believe that the ending couplet for the first stanza was pretty forced.
also, i'd rearrange the second stanza a bit; the second and third lines reads like rocks right now.
maybe something like: "touching the top of my brow" idk, i just feel like it could have a little better setup than what it's already got.
i love the play on words with 969/1985. i also love the way you spelled out 1985; it brings out the emphasis on how you want the flow to be seen, which is quite clever imo.
love, love, love the 4th stanza.
the last two stanzas summed this up very well man.
i really, really liked this one.

if you want, maybe you could glance at mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=934689

thanks in advance,
Kent
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
I thought the ending couplet of the first stanza sounded forced as well, but I liked what it projected so I decided to leave it alone. Thanks, I'll get back on your piece.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#4
Quote by freshtunes
I thought the ending couplet of the first stanza sounded forced as well, but I liked what it projected so I decided to leave it alone.
hey man, that's all that matters.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.