#1
The lights on his skins as he dances to the beat
With a tambourine crown and a don't-forget-me necklace
It's a sad unconscious tribute to our last night
Don't tell me you forgot all about the wood chips on my sheet
The focus of my attention plays a melodramatic E
On his sunburst red guitar with his lips mouthing the words
To the song we sang that one last dance
When your head was filled with everyone but me

Oh, avid audience I apologize for the lyrics
They're a sad shadow of the waif I used to be
But they're the only things left
Since I burned the rest
Of my once-discerning taste
Believe me none of this went according to plan
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#2
mkay...i shall attempt to crit this piece...although i havent actually done much creative writing, or critting in a loong time...
anyway...

The lights on his skins as he dances to the beat
With a tambourine crown and a don't-forget-me necklace
It's a sad unconscious tribute to our last night
Don't tell me you forgot all about the wood chips on my sheet
I was going to say that forget me not might have sounded better than 'dont-forget-me necklace', but then i read the 4rth line and i think the dont forget me/dont tell me you forgot works well. Was the plural of skin intentional in the first line?
The focus of my attention plays a melodramatic E
I liked this line, especially the wording.
On his sunburst red guitar with his lips mouthing the words
To the song we sang that one last dance
When your head was filled with everyone but me

Oh, avid audience I apologize for the lyrics
For some reason i would prefer the comma to be after the audience, not the oh...but thats just my opinion, the way its here is fine
They're a sad shadow of the waif I used to be
waif..doesnt that mean something like an orphan, or abondoned child (although I had to look it up just now, so i might not be on the right track here)...I dont understand how the lyrics are a shadow of the lost child you used to be
But they're the only things left
Since I burned the rest
I like the flow of these two lines
Of my once-discerning taste
Believe me none of this went according to plan
Good ending

I liked this piece. It has this strange, almost cynical quality to it, which i love.
The thing is, some lines seem too long, like the second line and the fourth and the six...(odd...a pattern...)...but i dont really know what could be done to improve the flow...like i can't think of any suggestions for better words becuase i dont really know what you are getting at with this poem, I only have my interpretation of it, and i dont want to end up suggesting something completely off track.
Incedentaly I interpreted the poem as about how you still might have feelings for a guy, but he doesnt know it, and doesnt know about the tumultuous emotions you are going through...and thats another thing I liked about ur poem.
I like your style of writing and the overall feel of the piece. Really good!

do you mind critting mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15812454#post15812454
thx
#3
Thanks a lot . You got the meaning spot on, actually.

Skins was intentional :P. The waif thing was kind of a metaphor for the typical emo-kid, or an emo writer, really. I think that's more what I used to be. Waif was the first word that came to mind that kind of encapsulated everything that I was trying to fit in.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do