#1
Somewhere in the darkness
Lost in old, forgotten ways
One man stands alone
Living out his dying days
Nowhere left to run (Ever since)
But can't return to join the fight (They cast you out)
Still, one will come forward (It's true, I have been)
And will show him what is (Watching over)
Right (You)

Through troubled times
And all my pain
I'm living just
To clear my name

Through troubled times (I hope)
And all my pain (You see)
I'm living just (What you)
To clear my name (Can be)
#2
This was neat. I enjoyed the idea of the bracket sections, without them this would be a little stail, I have to admit.

What I took from this is probably entirely different from what you had first wrote it as, which is very cool, I thoroughly love it when that happens; there are many differening variations and perspectives you can see this from.

Your middle verse/chorus/hook/thing helps one take a new perspective from this, quite an original one as well.
There are no doubt one or two cliches that could of been better but I believe it suits the piece nicely.
It also has an effective contrast of a complicated topic with simplistic and slightly bombastic wording, it works neatly.


Digitally Clean
#3
Thanks for the crit, dude. I wrote this just after listening to Muse's 'Knights Of Cydonia', and I thought it would be a cool structure to try out.
#4
I really like the whole thing I think it tells a great story. The only thing i would say is that, though I don't know what kind of music you are putting this too, expand on the story in a second verse. Like tell what happened to the man, why was he cast out, who is he watching over. You know what I mean. I like the last two stanzas alot though and i agree that the background words add a very nice touch.


oh and thanks for the crit on "My Own Madness"
#5
I really really liked this. At first read I didn't pay attention to the story but I liked the way it flows... and when I read it again it touched me somehow... good work. Kind of makes me feel like I know you know? Ahhh fahgeddaboutit I don't know how to say it but I liked it. Good idea, nicely done. I hate myself for this stupid post but I can't seem to think of anything useful.
#7
I like it its Nice, Simple and tells a story
And i can see how it goes with Knights of Cydonia

And thats for the Crit on my song and the title suggestion
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


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#8
I really enjoyed reading this dude, good clean piece of writing which flows perfectly, I can't really find anything wrong with it. The structure was particularly interesting, but again it works brilliantly, definately gives the piece an original twist. They help to give you a different reading of the piece every time you read it.

Could you take a quick look at my latest piece, New Day Rising? Here's the link: New Day Rising (Working Title)

I'd appreciate knowing what you think of it, thanks in advance mate!
#9
The whole bracket idea was really neat.
I didnt get it at first but I think thats just because Im a little slow lol.
At first it gave me the impression that it was almost echo's over someone singing the song.
None the less I think everything worked really well.
I kinded wish there was another verse at the end to close things up but I feel its fine the way it is. Nice Job !

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=968169

c4c?
Write it down.