#1
This was an experiment for me...hopefully it worked out ok...
as usual, c4c, but leave a link

Not Suicide, Just Thoughts on the Laws of Motion

Please listen to me. I need to talk. I need to get this off my chest- Another thing I can’t forget.
I try. Don’t you know how hard I try?
I try to get rid of all independent thought, and just be a hollow soothsayer-Anything else is too much to ask
But sometimes I think

Due to the force of a car as it travels 50 km an hour across a standard asphalt road, (friction and drag included), it would

stop the pounding in my head, the pressure

in the case of a collision, not be able to reduce its velocity in time, for an aversion

will prevail. I cannot push it

upon impact, most often the object of less mass, density, velocity and strength will give

away, the back of my mind is full. Of course, it’s basic common sense. There’s only a matter of time before it will contain

away, the essentially weaker object would be crushed

no longer. But sometimes, I think, maybe there is way to stop the pressure. A way to hopefully give me peace. Because it does literally feel like this sometimes. Like my head

the fragments strewn. Just like when an object


would explode
Last edited by wind_on_fire at Aug 15, 2008,
#2
I can't see it as an actual song. But GOSH DARN! I really like it, I don't know maybe the abundance of simple yet scientific terms. I really like it.
Gear
Custom Fender Strat
Oscar Schmidt Acoustic
VK 112
Epi VJ
EHX Holy Grail
Ibanez DE7 Delay
Modded Tubescreamer TS7 -> TS-808
Strat Knockoff
#3
Quote by wind_on_fire
Not Suicide, Just Thoughts on the Laws of Motion

Please listen to me. I need to talk. I need to get this off my chest- Another thing I can’t forget.
I try. Don’t you know how hard I try?
I try to get rid of all independent thought, and just be a hollow soothsayer-Anything else is too much to ask
But sometimes I think
I like this stanza. The start of it isn't really anything special, but the last half of it is awesome.. Because I read it as "I try to get rid of all independent though, and just be a hollow soothsayer-- Anything else is too much to ask, but sometimes I think." Awesomeness. It's also good like how it's written, as in "But sometimes I think: "

Due to the force of a car as it travels 50 km an hour across a standard asphalt road, (friction and drag included), it would

stop the pounding in my head, the pressure

in the case of a collision, not be able to reduce its velocity in time, for an aversion
will prevail. I cannot push it

upon impact, most often the object of less mass, density, velocity and strength will give

away, the back of my mind is full. Of course, it’s basic common sense. There’s only a matter of time before it will contain

away, the essentially weaker object would be crushed

no longer. But sometimes, I think, maybe there is way to stop the pressure. A way to hopefully give me peace. Because it does literally feel like this sometimes. Like my head

the fragments strewn. Just like when an object


would explode
Pretty great. I had to read it twice before I caught on to what was happening. I feel like it'd be even better if you went back and reworded it some to make it readable in a standard way as well as the way you have it now. I liked how the metaphor of your head exploding fit into the frantic sound produced by having the "schizophrenic" writing-scheme that you do. But, one thing to nitpick at... I don't like the repetition of "would" in the ending.

Nicely done. Especially for an experiment. A lot of the time experiments are decent at best, but you did well. I wish I could've given more input though.

Check mine out? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=933479 =)
#4
Quote by wind_on_fire
This was an experiment for me...hopefully it worked out ok...
as usual, c4c, but leave a link

Not Suicide, Just Thoughts on the Laws of Motion

Please listen to me. I need to talk. I need to get this off my chest- Another thing I can’t forget.
I try. Don’t you know how hard I try?Uhoh. To be honest, I was almost turned off at the beginning. It felt like you were trying to get the desperation across. It worked, but I think you could definitely fix the words a little. Like maybe using different metaphors?
I try to get rid of all independent thought, and just be a hollow soothsayer-Anything else is too much to ask
But sometimes I think

Due to the force of a car as it travels 50 km an hour across a standard asphalt road, (friction and drag included), it would I think maybe "I could" instead of "it would" because that makes it more personal. That you're really meaning the harm on yourself and not the car. Just me, though.

stop the pounding in my head, the pressure

in the case of a collision, not be able to reduce its velocity in time, for an aversion I felt that the beginning of this line should've been another sentence or was it meant to be like that?It's kind of choppy too. Is it supposed to be "not being able to"?

will prevail. I cannot push it

upon impact, most often the object of less mass, density, velocity and strength will give

away, the back of my mind is full. Of course, it’s basic common sense. There’s only a matter of time before it will contain "give way"?

away, the essentially weaker object would be crushedthis part was confusing. Are both the verse above and this verse meant to be continued from the "of course, it's basic common sense" verse?

no longer. But sometimes, I think, maybe there is way to stop the pressure. A way to hopefully give me peace. Because it does literally feel like this sometimes. Like my head

the fragments strewn. Just like when an object


would explode


Over all, I loved the way it was broken up and on first glance, it was awesome. I've only found a few problems but I don't think they really detract from the piece except that last confusing bit. Otherwise, great job . Thanks a lot for critting mine, by the way. If you have time, could you look at my other piece?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15819142#post15819142

Thanks
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do