#1
C4C

Verse
I lost my pulse too long ago
Its been four years now
Its gone without a trace
But now my brains to slow
To maybe track it down

Chorus
My heart fell out your window
And I can't seem to get it back
It fell from the top floor
I think its turned black

Verse
Can't deny how I feel
Though I can't get my way
You try to do it but you won't
Its really to bad I can't stay

Chorus
My heart fell out your window
And I can't seem to get it back
It fell from the top floor
I think its turned black

Verse
Can't lose my tiny black heart
Its all I really have
But its too heavy now
To get it right off the ground

Bridge
Bloods running deep
Can't get me away
You still need to promise me
That you won't fade today
Though I can't hold on for long

Chorus
My heart fell out your window
And I can't seem to get it back
It fell from the top floor
Too bad its now black
#2
Quote by Courtz_
C4C

Verse
I lost my pulse too long ago
Its been four years now
Its gone without a trace
But now my brains to slow Please try to correctly spell 'too'- not that I'm a grammar stickler, but it makes the read very abrupt when I have to pause and figure out what you meant
To maybe track it downI like the opening but I don't like this line, it sounds like the line is built around the rhyming word, and 'maybe' is really weak here, I'd change it to 'ever'

Chorus
My heart fell out your window like this line
And I can't seem to get it back
It fell from the top floor
I think its turned black again, not really a strong line. If you want to use black, use something either stronger than 'I think it's turned' or something much more original with better imagery. In other words- re-work it

Verse
Can't deny how I feel
Though I can't get my way
You try to do it but you won't
Its really to bad I can't stay TOO. But this is the same as the last few stanzas, they start strong and by the end you're kind of just throwing up lines. 'Its really too bad' is once again a weak way to say something, and it sounds more like conversation than lyrics

Chorus
My heart fell out your window
And I can't seem to get it back
It fell from the top floor
I think its turned black

Verse
Can't lose my tiny black heart
Its all I really have
But its too heavy now
To get it right off the ground This line is wordy and kind of awkward

Bridge
Bloods running deep
Can't get me away
You still need to promise me
That you won't fade today
Though I can't hold on for long

Chorus
My heart fell out your window
And I can't seem to get it back
It fell from the top floor
Too bad its now black


On the positive side, I like the concept and there are some pretty good lines in there. On the negative, there are several lines that are really weak, and several that are very very generic. Most of the rhymes are pretty obvious. It's not that they can't be obvious, but if they are, the substance of the material needs to make up for that. Overall, I'd rate this piece as having potential but currently very forgettable. I don't mean to be harsh but that's my honest and hopefully constructive critique.

c4c appreciated! (link in my signature)
#3
Quote by Courtz_
C4C

Verse
I lost my pulse too long ago
Its been four years now
Its gone without a trace
But now my brains to slow
To maybe track it down

I like this stanza although the last line seems a little forced and stops the flow a little

Chorus
My heart fell out your window
And I can't seem to get it back
It fell from the top floor
I think its turned black

I like the rhyme of back and black but i think the last line would flow better with a 'to' in but it has really good imagery

Verse
Can't deny how I feel
Though I can't get my way
You try to do it but you won't
Its really to bad I can't stay

Good Stanza

Chorus
My heart fell out your window
And I can't seem to get it back
It fell from the top floor
I think its turned black

Verse
Can't lose my tiny black heart
Its all I really have
But its too heavy now
To get it right off the ground

The ground bit dosn't sound right but its a nice feel to it

Bridge
Bloods running deep
Can't get me away
You still need to promise me
That you won't fade today
Though I can't hold on for long

This is a good bridge i like it

Chorus
My heart fell out your window
And I can't seem to get it back
It fell from the top floor
Too bad its now black


over all i like it, its got good imagery and nice flow for the most part.

Cheers for the crit, yeah it was a bit unfinnished.
#4
Quote by Courtz_
C4C

Verse
I lost my pulse too long ago
Its been four years now
Its gone without a trace
But now my brains to slow
To maybe track it down
I enjoyed this verse, it opens it nicely... Tracking your pulse and what not. Its a cool image.

Chorus
My heart fell out your window
And I can't seem to get it back
It fell from the top floor
I think its turned black I dont exactly understand the reason for the window reference but if it works for another reason i dont know about then keep it. If not maybe try for a different image...

Verse
Can't deny how I feel
Though I can't get my way
You try to do it but you won't
Its really to bad I can't stay
I like this stanza. Nothings forced.

Chorus
My heart fell out your window
And I can't seem to get it back
It fell from the top floor
I think its turned black

Verse
Can't lose my tiny black heart
Its all I really have
But its too heavy now
To get it right off the ground The last line stands out to me. Possibly try to reword it.. i like the idea but the words arent doing it justice..

Bridge
Bloods running deep
Can't get me away
You still need to promise me
That you won't fade today
Though I can't hold on for long This last line works for me... a good leadway back into the chorus...

Chorus
My heart fell out your window
And I can't seem to get it back
It fell from the top floor
Too bad its now black



Overall... Its definently not my type of song but i appretiated it anyways.. Just a little tuning and youve got a good peice