#1
It’s Not A Phase-


She Came up to you and said she now knows her place
She said she loves me and you told her its just a phase
You don’t know what you believe
You don’t know anything, you’re only 18

Well, here’s my reason to consult,
At age 18 you’re a ****in adult
Who the **** are you to tell her
Who she loves, and who she don’t

Madam...Sir...
I’m now telling you I know my place
I’m in love with your daughter
And thats not a ****in phase


I Wrote this in like exactly two minutes...lol
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#2
Good rhyme scheme. Made it for a good flow and easy read.

I'd say take out the cursing, though, because it adds a sense of immaturity to the piece.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#3
Quote by DiveRightIn63
Good rhyme scheme. Made it for a good flow and easy read.

I'd say take out the cursing, though, because it adds a sense of immaturity to the piece.

This is what I thought. I find that cursing has to be -very- tastefully done to work right. Otherwise it just seems as if you don't have much of a vocabulary, or intellect. So work on that some, and it'll be good.
#4
Quote by popeye100
It’s Not A Phase-


She Came up to you and said she now knows her place
She said she loves me and you told her its just a phase
You don’t know what you believe
You don’t know anything, you’re only 18

Well, here’s my reason to consult,
At age 18 you’re a ****in adult
Who the **** are you to tell her
Who she loves, and who she don’t

Madam...Sir...
I’m now telling you I know my place
I’m in love with your daughter
And thats not a ****in phase


I Wrote this in like exactly two minutes...lol


Adults....shouldn't cuss every other line.
I got some good guitars, yo.
#5
Like I said I wrote it in 2 minutes... and I was a little pissed at the time... cut me some slack
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#6
Quote by popeye100
Like I said I wrote it in 2 minutes... and I was a little pissed at the time... cut me some slack


Slack has been cut. Good way to take out anger, writing it down.
I got some good guitars, yo.
#7
Agreed with the rest. Cussing every other line doesn't show maturity. Unless u wanna be like blink-182 or Green Day. Noting wrong with that though.
#8
Like I said I wrote this in like two minutes, and I was pissed at that...
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


Last edited by popeye100 at Aug 16, 2008,
#9
Quote by popeye100
Like I said I wrote this in like two minutes, and I was pissed at that...


We're not trying to be rude, we're just trying to give you advice. We understand your circumstances, but if you were to put this in a song, I think returning fans are going to want to hear your stories over and over. And I don't want to read a poem where an author explain his or her piece to me first. We're here to help, not to make you feel insulted.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#10
Oh I know... I was just saying I know I can do better... I do appreciate the help...
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#11
I don't like it (not that i can do better), but not cause of the cursing. Radiohead, The Who, Arctic Monkeys, loads of bands swear in songs, its no big deal.
#12
well thanx for the straight up crit S.A.Dange... lol
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#13
Quote by popeye100
It’s Not A Phase-


She Came up to you and said she now knows her place
She said she loves me and you told her its just a phase
You don’t know what you believe
You don’t know anything, you’re only 18

Well, here’s my reason to consult,
At age 18 you’re a ****in adult Bad cursing. Not necessary
Who the **** are you to tell her Don't need to use the f-word. You can use maybe "hell", but anything more nad it's ridiculous
Who she loves, and who she don’t Whom she loves, and whom she does not. ;-)

Madam...Sir...
I’m now telling you I know my place
I’m in love with your daughter
And thats not a ****in phase


I Wrote this in like exactly two minutes...lol


This shows that it was written in two minutes without much thought put into it. It's a cute idea, I guess. But you really need to write about the situation and not just write in anger towards it. Channel it, rather than just say "F You", because this piece just reeks of immaturity.

Good luck. This is a cute idea, make it work. Put some effort into it. Looking forward to a complete overhaul of this.
#14
I have been thinking about this idea and dont be surprised to see an actual song out of this... and it wont be written in two minutes, lol...
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!