#1
Downhill (Crit for crit)

The spots on the sun assemble,
Looking like a wallet.
Once, the thought caused tremble,
But now, she’s gone and bought it.

Balloons fill the air, and ascend
Sounding like an open book
Pins fall from the sky, welcome end
And now I just can’t look

Now, I think that I should leave this place
But something here seems to attract me
I can’t leave, but I wish I wanted to
I hope that things will go downhill

The soles of her shoes dwindle down,
And no one understands.
I’m still here, still around,
But I wish I would have ran.

The eyes of the coins have her
In a crisis of I.D,
As all of her friends try to
Tell her who to be.

Now, I think that I should leave this place
But something here seems to attract me
I can’t leave, but I wish I wanted to
I hope that things will go downhill

The dollar bills fold themselves,
Gawking at the light.
She grabs her ticket to hell,
And closes up for the night.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

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#2
That was really good. I really liked it a lot. Heh, it took me a minute to get it, but once i did, i really liked it. Great imagery and it flowed really nicely. I honestly found like no flaws. And i'm sure many people, including me, can relate to this. Really, really great job. Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=934076 Thx.
Great job. Keep up the good work.
#3
I really liked it man, it did flow together well

The spots on the sun assemble,
Looking like a wallet.

Now, I think that I should leave this place
But something here seems to attract me


I really like those 2 lines they're great. Good job. Your opening and closing lines are really strong.

crit mine?

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=934486
My favorite band is Tool.


Quote by dio_dude
despite the funny name, unknownpunkrock is the coolest 08'er.

_____________________________________________
Gear:

Ibanez GRG
Vox AD30VT
Randall RG50TC
Takamine C128
Dano Wah
Yamaha S90
#5
Quote by Tubyboulin
umm...Im sorry but i dont know what the wallet/sun thing was about Otherwise, i thought you had good imagery and a nice flow. Great job!

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=936196

Well, the wallet and sun thing was just sort of showing that everywhere she looks she sees money staring back at her.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

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