I know the forum is for songwritting but I've read other peoples short stories and things so I hope this is alright to post here.

It's only the start of a screenplay / script kind of thing I started, please tell me what you think?
I know I didn't give much away in the piece I posted here, I had written more but I cut it because I just didn't like the way it was going.

If theres anyone who wants to help me write it too that would be cool, like write a scene each or something. pm me. The title and the storyline isn't complete at all this is just a rough version. So help writing it would be great.

But anyways yeah crit please, it's probably rubbish but ah well

p.s I tried to add it just as one document in attachments but it wouldn't let me.

A boy (Ray Grice, 17) befriends the wrong crowd.
Falls into a whirlwind of drugs, graffiti and unconscious states.

The Best Friend Boys.



We see Grice’s eyes not wide open being strained to see,
with rain falling on them. Then camera moves out slowly to see his face
with blood running from behind his head flowing down on the ground
mixing with the rain. Camera keeps moving out slowly we see his full
body from an aerial view. Then shot to a side angle we see he is laying
still on the ground on his back, behind him there are walls covered in graffiti,
looks like a run down area. Then as camera pulls away we see someone’s legs
standing beside Grice while V.O:

GRICE (V.O) I knew right there this was what I wanted.
The sky was grey and I watched as each
crooked line of rain, being split into drops
smashed against my cloths, my skin, the
ground surrounding me. This was painful,
but this was happiness. This was my freedom…
being taken and given. This was my life…
stolen and made by four boys. Four lost boys.
Four found boys. Four best friend boys.

and I havent got a scene 2 yet lol

EXT - means outside
and V.O means voice over.