#1
c4c if you include a link / name the piece.

inspired by Sylvia Plath and her story.

And Ariel smiled at me

Tooth-marked cheek,
.....oh, so cheeked--
with pushing poles down wet velvet;
There, riverside, was a tree.
A tum-tum tree.
and I, oh me, looked to the
star in your eye, the east, and took
its current to Innisfree.
Left hell behind, with its
tongues stuck
in your jaw, pulling, pulling free.

And Ariel smiled at me.
Where we passed lime hills, that rolled
to meet lime trees.
Never was envy so pretty as then,
when Ariel smiled at me.
I could see through the Bell Jar, glass thick
but fever-warm,
and you stared and stared at me
And let the pills crawl past your teeth.
eight-legged and yellow, they laughed as
they twisted the stuck-tongues free.
The river bent up with mouth, and you
sank, sank past your feet.

Sighed, and were sick, puked
pink lungs, and I
cried, cried, Oh Please.
You begged me to let you sleep.
I pillowed your head on an oven rack,
and you sank to Innisfree. But,
looking back, shook your head
and with a frown upside-down, you said,
you said, 'You wouldn't know me from eve'.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
Last edited by Fly, Marlowe at Aug 17, 2008,
#2
WOW. I think it's amazing!
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#3
Quite a lot of this is very readable, if Icky because it's one of those tribute/inspiredby/takinginspirationfrom pieces.

"frown-upside-down" was ugly, ugly and unoriginal description. Stuck-tongues was the complete opposite, a marvellous use of language.

That's what the piece was like for me. Ups and downs. You'd claw me in with something cool (tooth marked cheek) but then I'd be ill with some other stuff (pills crawl past your teeth).

Kind of had an inconsistency to the degree of cool/not so much.

In my opinion, anyway. Nothing wrong technically, you know what you're doing, but with a readers eye this felt laacking in huge enjoyment.
#4
i thought that was excellent. really really enjoyed reading that.

"The river bent up with mouth," that line read poorly to me, but other than that, i thought it was excellent. but yeah, other than that, loved it.

sorry i can't be more helpful...if you have time to check out mine in my sig, i'd appreciate it.
#5
I thought the piece was good but i would change the line "Where we passed lime hills, that rolled
to meet lime trees." The use of lime twice to me seemed a bit unimaginative (not that im one to talk) theres nothing wrong with the line the way it is currently, i just think that you could think of a different, more creative adjective for the trees. overall I thought it was very good.
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