#1
they say I'm romantic:
they say I'm dead inside.
and they call me wistful
with watery red lips,
where i stare at my reflection
between their fulcrum
and their chin.
but really i'm looking
at the cut of their jib,
the low cut top.

they say I'm romantic,
that i write with amour.
i write like candlelight
with a soft resonance
in the dark dullness of their days.
i'd propose i'm no flame,
just the wick awaiting the meeting
of the next match.

they say I'm dead inside.
that the words are just an extension,
a pretense i employ.
no craft, just an empty spew-sack
throwing up false parellells between
LOVE/hate and that,
her/THIS andor YOU.

all i find i can do is take both sides into account;
thus here I am, the gutless, soulless,
stiffest slipped wrist of them all,

making sweet love to a thousand eyes
with an ever sharp/sharpening point.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 17, 2008,
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
they say I'm romantic:
they say I'm dead inside.
and they call me wistful
with watery red lips,
I really didn't like this to start off the piece. "Dead inside" felt cliche. The last line didn't really add anything to it for me. It's just "yadayadayada my lips are red", as if it didn't have a purpose.
where i stare at my reflection
between their fulcrum
and their chin.
These last two lines worked, as far as pacing with line #1.
but really i'm looking
at the cut of their jib,
the low cut top.
The last line should be cut. A second usage of the word "cut" created an unneccesary and awkward connection with the previous line, and the line felt bobbled with its inclusion. I think the two before it would do just fine without.

they say I'm romantic,
that i write with amour.
Meh, cliche. Not a fan.
i write like candlelight
with a soft resonance
Here we go. The first used internal rhymes, and they both used sounds to perfection. I'm not sure if they gel with the stanza as a whole, but they are excellent on their own.
in the dark dullness of their days.
I disagree with the word "dark" here. The K sound is too hard, especially with the softness of "dull", and since light is yang, while dark is yin, a softer sound seems more appropriate. Try "dim".
i'd propose i'm no flame,
just the wick awaiting the meeting
of the next match.
Meaning's good, and a great little image. Line two, with the "ing"s, was great. The last line felt short.

they say I'm dead inside.
that the words are just an extension,
a pretense i employ.
no craft, just an empty spew-sack
throwing up false parellells between
LOVE/hate and that,
her/THIS andor YOU.
Lines four and five, honestly, felt like a spew-sack. The slashes in the final two lines handled the rhythm quite well, but I don't understand the word "THIS".
EDIT: Actually, "spew-sack" might work if you break it off, and make it its own line.


all i find i can do is take both sides into account;
thus here I am, the gutless, soulless,
stiffest slipped wrist of them all,
"Slit" seems better than "slipped". That first line, though, was way too long. I'd split it up.

making sweet love to a thousand eyes
with an ever sharp/sharpening point.
Good concept, but the slash combobulated everything for me. It muddled the rhythm. And to be honest, I don't think "sharpening point" is a good image.


Overall, it had your mark, but it was not your best. It just felt like, while there were great images, they were sometimes slopilly put together, or just not very pointed. Rhythm also seemed as if it didn't get attention as much as it could have. And sense stress worked its was against the rhythm as well. Still, though, the language was good.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Aug 17, 2008,
#3
I'm going to omit the first stanza from my critique - for now - minus the first two lines.

Of the first two lines, the colon seemed to be the most important part, with the surrounding words just necessary setup for what follows. After reading S4 I realized I was completely wrong, but I still enjoyed 'they say I'm romantic and because of this they say I'm dead inside' while it lasted. If you remove all i find i can do is take both sides into account it would leave it open for losers like me to come and make of it what we will.

Enough with all this 'what if' mumbo jumbo though, back to common ground. On the first stanza; I found it rather plain compared with your normal originality. The second stanza was brilliant; good on the tongue and the mind. "i write like candlelight/with a soft resonance". Beautiful. The third stanza I felt much the same about (as the second) until the last two lines. I'm not partial one way or the other on the capitalization. Lovely ending.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 17, 2008,
#4
- "with watery red lips," - sweeeeeeeeeeeet.

- "where i stare at my reflection
between their fulcrum
and their chin." - This has some neat internal rhyming thats very faint, but it does add qaulity to it.

I found this a bit plane and standard overal, the only stand out section being the awesome second verse. It really was very very pretty and very much 'you', even though I hate saying that.

The third verse did add something new in terms of humour and interesting layout of words, but it didn't really feel appropriate, it just felt, normal, which defeats the purpose of obtaining that sense of obscurity in a world of simplicity.

- "stiffest slipped wrist of them all,

making sweet love to a thousand eyes
with an ever sharp/sharpening point." - Sweeeeeeeeeeeeetttterrrr

Digitally Clean
#5
Cheers all.

This is the most stylised I've ever been, branching out a bit. It worked how I wanted it to, though.

I will get back to you.