#1
I felt so malplaced;
too big, an apologetic hulk.
Like a cello in a violin case.

The TV spoke in tones
reserved for difficult children.
Patronizingly; and the empty bottles
at my feet chattered like teeth.

Inside me was silence; was a spotlight
shining on a comedy act which failed to
make anyone laugh.
Was a deep, quiet vibration, a bass rumble
of childish sadness.

I felt so malplaced.
But that was alright.
Because everything else felt that way, too.
Like a warehouse of bewildered cellos
forced into violin cases.
#2
i believe "misplaced" would be better suited than the word in its position at the moment, imo; also, i think it'd flow better afterward.

usually, i don't really dig things like this. i used to write like this, though, so maybe that's the reason why i liked it so well.
yeah, i liked this.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
Quote by WTFIsModernRock
I felt so malplaced;
too big, an apologetic hulk.
Like a cello in a violin case.

like the othe comment said misplace would be better....other than that this is what really caught my attention about this piece.....the simile is great

The TV spoke in tones
reserved for difficult children.
Patronizingly; and the empty bottles
at my feet chattered like teeth.

this makes less sense in the situation....i thought we were talking about string instruments? but once again you make a great simile with the bottles and teeth

Inside me was silence; was a spotlight
shining on a comedy act which failed to
make anyone laugh.
Was a deep, quiet vibration, a bass rumble
of childish sadness.

was the bass comment an intentional reference back to instruments? bc if so it was great....if not.....it was great!

I felt so malplaced.
But that was alright.
Because everything else felt that way, too.
Like a warehouse of bewildered cellos
forced into violin cases.

bewildered cellos.......i have this picture of cellos with the :O face in violin cases in my head....i love it



all in all....ii enjoyed this very much....especially the similes....this is something to keep, revise, and continue......crit4crit? the one called "results not tyopical" in my sig please and thank you,

Adam
#4
Quite honestly, I love this piece, and think it has a lot of potential. The only thing for me was that it didn't feel like it had much rhythm, lots of the words didn't flow, they were too long. However, the overall theme is amazing, as well as the imagery, I'd almost imagine this as a (good) hip-hop song, with a cool jazzy piano line and a cello solo. Keep at it bud.