#1
the pub was put in last week
it sits between a hair salon
and boutique.
men stand out front
smoking cigarettes
"hey, can i bum a butt?"
thats my line.

dissapear to the back steps
of the conservatory
proceed to talk with girls
that for some reason have
low self esteem.
won't talk with me because
eli is a boxer who has personality

i am a pawnshop.
that sits like a floridian elf
low to the wet lands.
gators tease me
but never eat me.
i'm not worth the heartburn.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Aug 18, 2008,
#2
i liked the rhyme injected for week/boutique - that was clever.
also, the emphasis placed on smoking, and the correlation of sociology that it brings with it; maybe i'm treading a little too oceanic if you've executed a pond there...but me likey.
i didn't really understand the usage of "self a steem," of course it's spelled "esteem." typo? i don't think so, it probably just flew by me. it runs really well though, with the "personality" that stanza ends with.
love love love the last stanza.
did i mention that i loved the last stanza?
loved it.

if you wouldn't mine glancing at mine - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=937954
thanks in advance.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
yes, self esteem was a typo.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#4
Quote by freshtunes
the pub was put in last week
it sits between a hair salon
and boutique.
men stand out front
smoking cigarettes
"hey, can i bum a butt?"
thats my line.

I didn't like "that's my line." I know it needs to be there to connect you to the place, but it just feels so tacked on currently. It doesn't quite fit with the rhythm and what not. It just felt ugly. Outside of that, this was ok. Its good for what it needs to be... a setup to something deeper and better... but it wasn't really all that engaging or anything. I still read on anyways though, so it wasn't bad either.

dissapear to the back steps
of the conservatory
proceed to talk with girls
that for some reason have
low self esteem.
won't talk with me because
eli is a boxer who has personality


Two qualms here. A) conservatory, I don't know if you are still talking about the pub or not... but it doesn't really matter. I hated that word. I wanted something that didn't feel so, technical. Something that stayed in the "dirty" feel this piece has working for it. This was too "above" common for me... but that could just be because I'm a bloody American from Kentucky.
B) The choice of "eli." It may have a personal connotation of some sort, I don't know. But to me, it seems too close to being 'not a name.' I actually had to go back and re-read it because I thought maybe I had read something wrong. Something more "name-ish" (ex. Tyson, Scott, etc) would make it seems a little stronger to me.

Otherwise I like it.



i am a pawnshop.
that sits like a floridian elf
low to the wet lands.
gators tease me
but never eat me.
i'm not worth the heartburn.

Fantastic. However... I guess this just seems a bit disconnected from the rest of the piece. I mean, it all runs together nicely. But this didn't need to be in this piece... it could have sat out on its own and been fine. No problems. I can see the "blowing off" leading to this... but really, its so potent it makes everything else seem a bit unnecessary as this packed all of the pieces point and punch and didn't need the beginning. Definitely a very good and original take on self-loathing though.


This is a solid little read. However, I wasn't blown away. But I did like it a lot more than your last (despite that fact you liked your other a lot). Just seems like something more could be in it to tie it together more strongly and not make the first two stanzas feel like all unnecessary setup, even if the setup is still beautiful.

I'd really appreciate a bump/comment on Untitled if you get a minute.

-zC
#5
i really dig your style of writing. excellent.
sorry i can't say much more.

i haven't really earnt it, but if you donated your thoughts/opinions on the one in my sig, i'd appreciate it.