#1
amphetamines, and a St. Albans night.
true story.


it's hocus-pocus.
focusing so well.
grinding grinding teeth.
parked in the alley way -
ting on Joshua.
saw a spanish hobo mumbler
"Pu-to-----,
i see you, muther fucker.."
sets of dried up eyes
blinking blinking lies.
suffer no dillusion,
i will unravel
and destroy you.

sight in center, slight dismember
i corrupt the image deeper.
temper temper
where's the manners?
i don't give a shit forever.
cool approaching
Mikey told me
"devil's in the mirror, boy."
AK-
47 talks like
movie theater sidewalk chalk:
- this acid rain washes everything away,
eventually.
and then you're just an open book. -

fuck your life, faggot.
i don't care how long i've known you.

"can i get a stick of Big Red?
i feel like, i'ave a mouthful of saltines."

chatter chatter box
feeling on the rocks
miss you like
grandma's house and
stove-place firewood.
you never call me
when i'm up.
hornet wearing dormant anger
walking.
i've missed my life and food
for three days, counting -

please call soon, Leigh.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Aug 18, 2008,
#2
It's going to take me a bit to read through this and really dig into it. This evening I'll get on it. I greatly appreciated your comment on my piece, thanks. After reading through it once, I can say the first and last verses are wonderful. Be back soon.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#3
this is my least favourite of your recent stuff that i've read but that means very little because I just brushed over this one as oppose to really reading it looking for things I don't like (and mostly finding the opposite)

excuse my brevity of comment. I'm in a library and i only get 15 minutes.

But I just wanted to say, for a while actually:

Dear Kent, stop writing so well, you're making me look bad.

Sincerely, Dylan.
#4
And you say that I say that you have good flow?
wait.... well you do.

sight in center, slight dismember
i corrupt the image deeper.
temper temper
where's the manners?
i don't give a **** forever.

I'm going to coin a term just for this: Mind Job. You were just the giver of the first MJ ever.
(I'll take the Mind Job, but I'm re-gifting Michael Jackson).
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
Dylan, that meant a friggin lot man, i really appreciate it.

Quote by Billyjson
And you say that I say that you have good flow?
pffft, you say goodbye, but i say hello.

thank you guys bunches.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
Well, let's be brutal...

This demonstrated next to none of your strong points in writing. I mean, you can't always do everything you are good at, but you need to always show that you know what you are doing.... and here, it feels like you had no control over the piece.

The beginning was gimmicky... I mean there were no colors.... but it relied entirely on word-play... and to be honest, a lot of that work play was sub-standard even for UG here. It just wasn't witty or fast paced enough to make the beginning not feel like it was dragging on. Plus, you ended the first stanza on "destroy you," and well... it took me back to my Disturbed/Slipknot days. Done correctly, I think the phrase could have been ok, but here it just smelt of misplaced angst and and a drive to see the world burn... which makes it weak.

Second stanza had quite a few witty snippets. Some solid lines with quirky ideas... but all in all, it felt like you had ripped random lines from assorted poems and glued them all together on the same page. Nothing connected for me. I mean, you may get it, but from my point of view, this said nothing. It just was. There was little commonality that I could latch onto, which left me feeling like it was an empty stretch of "cool ideas." This also made it seem to drag on.

the last "real" stanza was solid... but at that point I was already too disenchanted with this to take it seriously. You know what I mean, I think.

All in all... I didn't enjoy it too much and I didn't really take much out of it. It needed a common idea to bind it all together, and it just never really struck one for me. I may have missed it... but to an extent that isn't entirely my fault as I've re-read this a few times.

-zC

Vote? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=938149
#7
Quote by ZanasCross
It needed a common idea to bind it all together
it was the best representation i could recollect of a night on meth. maybe just bad subject matter. it just makes you feel like, no matter how fast you're going or how tweaked you are; the world's going on without you. especially loved ones.

but i really really really appreciate you getting to this Zach.
and; yeesh, kente el-vote fora pedro.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
I have enjoyed your last two.

They just have an edge which atm I find enchanting.

I like edges, thus I like this, and you.

I'm really sorry I havent gotten round to returning a critique to you. Same aswell to Zach. I will do all I can to do so next time.

But I hope this little thing means something.

#9
This was quite an eye popping and mind racking read, something I will return to. I'm just going to say I think your stuttering layout here doesn't work as well as it normally does, but its certainly decent stuff. Like I said, I will return, maybe it needs more reads.
#10
argh. i love your flow too much.

reference to hocus pocus by focus in the first line?

the second stanza is absolutely incredible. i want you to write something awful so that i can have something more to say than "wow. i love it" (wow i love it)
#11
Quote by ottoavist
amphetamines, and a St. Albans night.
true story.


it's hocus-pocus.
focusing so well.
The rhyme worked against the grain here. "Focus" should occur at least midway through the line.
grinding grinding teeth.
Not really diggin the repitition here.
parked in the alley way -
ting on Joshua.
I see what you're doing here, but it didn't click well enough to work, even after several reads.
saw a spanish hobo mumbler
"Pu-to-----,
i see you, muther fucker.."
The dialogue here seems jumbled. I'm not sure who's speaking, because I can't put any importance on what each person is saying. I wouldn't be surprised if either of them said mother ****er, and the fragment didn't really do much.
sets of dried up eyes
blinking blinking lies.
The repitition here worked clicked better than the first time, but the line didn't really capitalize on the potential of its excellent predecessor.
suffer no dillusion,
i will unravel
and destroy you.
The thing hardly makes sense at this point to me, but that seems like a strength. "Dillusion" and "unravel" seem like excellent words, but the concept of destroying something didn't score points because we haven't really found a real enemy yet.

sight in center, slight dismember
I know alot of people dig these kind of wordplay lines, but this really did not feel pointed at anything.
i corrupt the image deeper.
temper temper
where's the manners?
The wordplay here was MUCH more effective.
i don't give a shit forever.
Though "forever" rhymes, the hardness of the word "****" was way too aggressive for the previous three lines.
cool approaching
Mikey told me
"devil's in the mirror, boy."
AK-
47 talks like
movie theater sidewalk chalk:
- this acid rain washes everything away,
eventually.
and then you're just an open book. -
This all felt like rambling. The concept of rain washing chalk away is an excellent concept, but your supporting actors here don't really give you a pad to launch from.

fuck your life, faggot.
i don't care how long i've known you.
Same as above. It doesn't really connect.

"can i get a stick of Big Red?
i feel like, i'ave a mouthful of saltines."
This didn't fit at all.

chatter chatter box
feeling on the rocks
miss you like
grandma's house and
stove-place firewood.
you never call me
when i'm up.
Nice scene. "Grandma's house" is a good image to use.
hornet wearing dormant anger
walking.
i've missed my life and food
for three days, counting -
This didn't really feel pointed or related.

please call soon, Leigh.
Good ending.



Pretty much, there was this air of confusion that served the first stanza well, but eventually, I wanted to know who was who, and what was going on. Don't get me wrong, there were some EXCELLENT images here. But they didn't really do much because it felt like there was so much unrelated or unexplained stuff in here that it choked it out.
#12
Ninjamonkey, i really want to thank you for the crit; and i'm sorry you didn't like it that well. but i disagree with some of the points that you made about the piece, and i'd like to take the time to clear up the areas you thought were...opaque.

...I'm not sure who's speaking...
in that specific area, the dialogue begins with spanish, i.e.: Puto. i elaborated in the line before, that a latino hobo was walking past mumbling, pointing the reader to a direct assumption of who the busted street slang came from.

The thing hardly makes sense at this point to me, but that seems like a strength. "Dillusion" and "unravel" seem like excellent words, but the concept of destroying something didn't score points because we haven't really found a real enemy yet.
the drug's destroying me, and everyone else who's on it. i elaborated on this note with the repetition of the destructive verbs, i.e.: "grinding-teeth," "blinking-lies," and "dried up eyes." not only is the body withering, but so is the mind; now with hallucinogenic properties, making a clear indication that sleep deprivation is an acute factor in the narrator's scenario.
maybe i should have though, stuck the last three lines of that stanza in quotation marks to make it more cohesive to the objective of the drug, and give a little personification.

I know alot of people dig these kind of wordplay lines, but this really did not feel pointed at anything.
it points at the rapidly evolving one-track mind that belongs to the narrator.

This all felt like rambling. The concept of rain washing chalk away is an excellent concept, but your supporting actors here don't really give you a pad to launch from.
it's disoriented, yes; but not quite rambling. the whole stanza(and the first separated couplet following) is a build of the character's anger/temper(from being up too long), and finality of humiliation after literally pointing a gun at someone he cares about.
the second severed couplet following that was thrown into quotations(the language is a tad slurred in the second sentence), is a little filler from the narrator displaying the toll cotton mouth takes.

This didn't really feel pointed or related.
he's been up for three days. the stanza indicates his fall back into the grasp of reality, and his embarrassment/shame for his previous actions. one call from the person he loves, can change an entire outlook on life.
but he can't rely on that call.
he can't rely on anything or anyone, but himself.


in short, i hate to dispute crits; and please understand that this was not to be a dick. i really appreciate the fact that you even took time to read it. my only hope, and soul endeavor, was that this created a better understanding and feel for the environment for not only you, but anyone else who decides to read or crit this.
thanks again man. and i promise to return anyone who's taken the time on this.
- K.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#13
Agree with some of the above comments:

First read through, the double "grinding" in the first stanza seemed odd. Second stanza was absolutely awesome... love the line "temper temper where's the manners?".

The "**** your life, faggot" line seems gratuitous. Not sure this adds anything.

Grandma's house imagery also wickedly well done.

Very nice overall!
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#14
Otto:

Yeah, It did help clear things up a bit. I have to take a break, because it seems like the point of these pieces are zooming by me recently. But thanks for taking the time to explain that to me.
#15
^no dude, thank you for not telling me i'm a douchebag, man, and actually hearing me out.
i'll be getting to your piece, no problem.

and thanks to everyone else who's read so far. i really appreciate it.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#16
i know this isn't a proper crit, i just wanted to say that this hit a really personal chord with me, and i thought you'd want to know. i loved the harshness in sound of the repetition of "grinding" which to me is a perfect audio representation of the act.

there was more as well, in fact most of it i can relate to, although there were odd moments that left me confused, i'm asuming those are the moments that relate to the night specifically.

sets of dried up eyes
blinking blinking lies.
suffer no dillusion,

sight in center, slight dismember
i corrupt the image deeper.
temper temper
where's the manners?

chatter chatter box
feeling on the rocks

i've missed my life and food
for three days, counting -

being the most prominent ones.

good job.
#17
thank you man.
means alot.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#18

I'm still sending you a book. I sacrificed enoguh beer money this month to buy some A5 paper so as soon as it arrives I'll do the printing and binding a get a copy in the air to you.

Not sure how to send stuff to the states though

edit: piece is good




love is a dog from hell.



#19
chatter chatter box
feeling on the rocks
miss you like
grandma's house and
stove-place firewood.
you never call me
when i'm up.
hornet wearing dormant anger
walking.
i've missed my life and food
for three days, counting -

please call soon, Leigh.


While mine was more induced by copious amounts of Whisky, I know this feeling (probably not the same way as I've never taken meth) but seriously... wow.

If I could cry at lyrics you would've gotten me, it's beautiful in a sick, twisted, perfect way. Congrats.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#20
"can i get a stick of Big Red?
i feel like, i'ave a mouthful of saltines."


loved this line. loved how you didnt go to something to drink, but a stick of some dam big red. lovely.

i think grandmas house stands fine on its own, with out stove place firewood.

i think blinking blinking is fine on its own without 'lies'.

an AK should talk like something louder than 'movie theater sidewalk chalk:'

think rain is fine without it being acid rain. makes me think of seattle or portland

its not my style, but i can see what some others can see in it, and in a way the disjointedness and jaggedness of this thin shredder of a poem is in my vein.

anyway, cool

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=940207