#1
What is Black and What is White
Who is Wrong and Who is Right

I Could take you away and bring you
to a bright new day
but you turn me away
so in this hellhole you will stay
until the final day
and then unto your good you'll pray
please, please take me away

Verse Two
The Man in black is not coming back
And the Girl with Golden Hair is no longer here

She says i'm like a brother
But theres another
She doesn't think of me like that with my mismatched shoes
and black hat
Doesn't wanna Jeopardize
Dont wanna Compromise

Chorus
So Show no Fears
Shed No Tears
Just keep wishing that I was there

That girl with gold hair is no longer here...
but what do i care?


Thats all i have
#3
ummm... ok one. i'll crit it. but you cant bump yourself. read the rules.

What is Black and What is Whiteack... so...... boring. cliche.
Who is Wrong and Who is Right

I Could take you away and bring you
to a bright new dayconsider deleting the opening couplet. one it is boring 2. it's cliche 3. jsut a bad opening. thsi is better
but you turn me away
so in this hellhole you will stayaway is repetitive. as is the rhyme.
until the final day
and then unto your good you'll pray
please, please take me awayonce again. the rhyming is repetitive and forced. and you repeate away again

Verse Two
The Man in black is not coming back
And the Girl with Golden Hair is no longer heremeh

She says i'm like a brother
But theres anotherbetter
She doesn't think of me like that with my mismatched shoes
and black hat
Doesn't wanna Jeopardize
Dont wanna Compromisemeh pretty weak so obvious so...

Chorus
So Show no Fears
Shed No Tearsryhme is forced
Just keep wishing that I was there

That girl with gold hair is no longer here...
but what do i care?

overall it was.. lacking. the rhyme scheme is very. repetitive. the general themes were so. bland i think you can play it up a lot more takea look at mine? in sig
#4
Ok thx 1st im sry i didnt know no bumping i wont do it again now

For the opening couplet i know and i totally agree...after i wrote it i was disappointed with it but i couldnt think of anything to change it to as for the rhyme scheme i agree there too this is my first song and I really was afraid to experiment with it and i acknowledge the overuse of away i was in a rut and couldn't think of anything thanks so much and ill look for urs to critque thnx again