#1
An acoustic kinda dashboard like song without a chorus just a looped verse really.


Sure we're both nineteen
But our age feels so far apart
You've wasted your life already
While mine has yet to even start

"What are we doing together?"
Said the baby to the bum
You said "I'm not quite sure
But I just can't ignore the feelings that have become"

And I'd starve without my bottle
While you're still struggling to give your's up
You like to snort white powder
That's just something that I've never done

Your life is going nowhere
And mine can go anywhere I want
You said that I take life to seriously
I just need to have a little fun

You died of an overdose
You just didn't know what your life was worth
Yesterday was the day of your funeral
As well as the day of my birth
Last edited by Mlnwd at Aug 21, 2008,
#2
Quote by Mlnwd
An acoustic kinda dashboard like song without a chorus just a looped verse really.


Sure we're both nineteen
But our age feels so far apart
You've wasted your life already
While mine has yet to even start i like this sort of introduction: shows a real meaning behind the lyrics, that "me" is unexperienced and "you" is experienced. It sets a good theme and background to the story

"What are we doing together?"
Said the baby to the bum
You said "I'm not quite sure
But I just can't ignore the feelings that have become" the quotes aren't something i usually add in my own stuff, but the closing "can't ignore the feelings" leaves it quite open ended... kinda keeps the reader/listener's attention, sort of like they both doubt the relationship but have feelings... well it keeps me interested with its confusion

And I'd starve without my bottle
And you're still struggling to give your's up
You like to snort white powder
While my mom rubs it on my bumi like the way the first 2 lines entirely oppose each other. The 3rd seems to show serious problems with the girl or whoever, and the 4th shows your inexperience.. another opposition. overall, it shows the differences in the two people

Your life is going nowhere
And mine can go anywhere I want
You said that I take life to seriously
I just need to have a little fun I think the first line shows the problems of the other well, but maybe the 2nd line could just be rephrased a little... I like the last 2 lines a lot, i think because sometimes i relate to that

You died of an overdose
You just didn't know what your life was worth
Yesterday was the day of your funeral
As well as the day of my birthan interesting ending, i like the rhyme and the last two lines really stand out like you look at yourself as unexperienced with her, but you can grow up and what not when you move on... strong ending


maybe i'm not into the style that much, but i liked the rhyming, with the close-but-not-perfect rhymes (i'm not educated in my poetry lol). A bit of a funny story too, and i'm guessing it was supposed to be more of a up-front story, but definitely a theme behind it all. Not sure where you drew this inspiration, but i enjoyed it.

Edit: ps, thanks for the crit


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#3
the lyrics are awesome, like they were written by a true master. The song's got a good vibe to it; it seems like it could be a modern folk song, and it's easier to relate to than all the older ones
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#4
Great lyrics, i love the symetry (sp) of showing a begining and an end, very reicarnationish. i didnt really get the second verse but i am kinda slow so take that with a grain of salt. overall i think it to be a great song.
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#5
Nice work. The constant contrast is cool but to me the ending is overkill if its meant to imply that the funeral of one character happens on the same day as the birthday of the other... if instead it's supposed to mean something more abstract/artsy like as one life ends another begins it's not quite as hokey.

The line "But I just can't ignore the feelings that have become" feels forced, like you want "become" in order to rhyme with "bum" but it takes too many syllables for it to make any sense in the stanza.

In general I find it tough to reconcile both characters being 19 (specifically) with the full-on baby imagery. This idea of someone being a drunk/addict at that age is realistic... drinking baby bottles and having powdered butt is obviously more metaphorical by contrast. Just seems like the one side isn't extreme/obvious enough to verify that we're speaking in metaphors and not telling an actual story.
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#6
Sure we're both nineteen
But our age feels so far apart
You've wasted your life already
While mine has yet to even start This for me is average, it's nothing special but it's okay.

"What are we doing together?"
Said the baby to the bum
You said "I'm not quite sure
But I just can't ignore the feelings that have become"
The last line feels too forced, as its not colloquial. Would probably be better left at feelings.
And I'd starve without my bottle
And you're still struggling to give your's up
This by far the best line/s for me. Well written and definately dashboard.

You like to snort white powder
While my mom rubs it on my bum
I think that these two lines ruined the seriousness of it here, and using the baby imagery of a mother rubbing powder on the baby's bum makes it hard to get a feel for what you are saying because they are meant to be 19. I think you've taken the metaphor a bit too far, and I think it sounds lame and immature to end it on bum. Also you have used the word bum for to different meanings in the song, if this was intentional, imo it doesn't work.
Your life is going nowhere
And mine can go anywhere I want
You said that I take life to seriously
I just need to have a little fun
This is okay but i think it could do with some minor adjuistments. I think that the I want part makes you as the character seem greedy and I don't think that thats the effect 'you want'... Maybe change it to at all.

You died of an overdose
You just didn't know what your life was worth
Yesterday was the day of your funeral
As well as the day of my birth
Here i agree with Aitrus, the ending is overkill if you are saying that he died on your birthday. If your not, then i just dont get what it's mean. Because your already born, so it does'nt really make sense.

However, I really like the idea behind it, and it could be a good song.
#8
Great song. It is a very folk like song that has a good meaning to it. It would be a great acoustic song, and i like the ryhme to it and it all flows very nicely.
"And I'd starve without my bottle
While you're still struggling to give your's up"
This is deffinantly my favorite line. It is a very powerful line.

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