#1
If only I knew,
The words to use,
To tell to you,
Just what I wanted to do.

If there was a way,
I’d wind up and stay.
Always with you,
Well that’s what I wanted to do.

If only you would,
Give me the chance,
I know that I could.
Hypnotic romance.
If only you’d seen,
I’m misunderstood.
I hope that we’d be,
If only you would.

A way without fear,
And yet you drift near.
My hopeless try,
I hope that you wouldn’t deny.

The feelings I hide
I tried to confide
This struggle I find
An image for the blind

Afloat on the sea,
I’ve tried to be,
Alone with you.
Never, but one day come true.

If only you would,
Give me the chance,
I know that I could.
Hypnotic romance.
If only you’d seen,
I’m misunderstood.
I hope that we’d be,
If only we could.


Ignore my comments and comment if you don't want a long story. Second full song posted, and i really enjoy this one. I'm looking for any feedback from ANYONE! its a bit of a slower "depressed" song in the lyrics, but the music behind it gives it sort of a relaxed, expressive and almost giving-up tone. I have the verse and chorus, the bridge (the feelings...4lines...for the blind) is still unwritten and i need somewhat of a turnaround from the chorus to the verse. Any advice, critique, and feedback is appreciated, hopefully at least stated positively.

i hope to get some comments after nearly none last time


Saying the Red Hot Chili Peppers have no talent is like saying Guy Fawkes didn't have an epic mustache.
#2
Quote by chipmunksurfer

If only I knew,
The words to use,
To tell to you,
Just what I wanted to do.
good start i guess, to early to really tell

If there was a way,
I’d wind up and stay.
Always with you,
Well that’s what I wanted to do.
at this point the rhyme scheme already gets a bit boring and it becomes obvious that its really holding the song back

If only you would,
Give me the chance,
I know that I could.
Hypnotic romance.
If only you’d seen,
I’m misunderstood.
I hope that we’d be,
If only you would.
this is the best so far, i'm guessing its the chorus

A way without fear,
And yet you drift near.
My hopeless try,
I hope that you wouldn’t deny.
i know what you're saying but maybe you should get a little deeper into it

The feelings I hide
I tried to confide
This struggle I find
An image for the blind
the whole "image for the blind" thing comes out of nowhere and doesn't seem to fit in my opinion

Afloat on the sea,
I’ve tried to be,
Alone with you.
Never, but one day come true.
the last line is worded awkwardly

If only you would,
Give me the chance,
I know that I could.
Hypnotic romance.
If only you’d seen,
I’m misunderstood.
I hope that we’d be,
If only we could.
chorus, same as above





nothing here really stood out too much for me honestly, i liked the chorus but felt that you limited yourself greatly with the rhyme scheme. A lot of the idea that you had, while they were good just seemed so jumbled up and thrown around that they really didn't seem to fit. Its not a bad song though and with some editing this could be great.


If you could take a look at mine and gimme your honest opinion that would be great, thanks
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=938331
#3
thanks. i see what you mean for the rhyme scheme getting boring.. it kind of moves along fast in the song, but if you or anyone has a suggestion for a change, i would definitely rework it


Saying the Red Hot Chili Peppers have no talent is like saying Guy Fawkes didn't have an epic mustache.