#1
New song im working on please critic


Caffine and sleeping pills
are sure to end all your ills
a pep in your step to start your day
a bump to slow you from your way
(Chorus)
exchange your R.E.M
for a narcotic lullaby
im not the way i used to be
so free, in the moonlight

I tried to wake myself from this nightmare
I am afraid beyond repair
Caffine and sleeping pills are what I take
make me dream of the things i feel

I can end the night
i pray that will be ok
i know its alright
but i cant promise today
i can end the night

i know its not the way my moma raised me
i know that is not what God has said
I know its The way you hold me
I cant be anything less
than truth at its worse

Light that cigarette
Before you start fretting it
Inhale all the smoke
before you forget
who you really are

Smile at the way you once were
Smile at the you, you once were
Smile the way you once were

You studder through another verse
you pause and curse my name
I know what you wondering
I know what your going to ask

Exchange your R.E.M
for a narcotic lullaby
im not the way i used to be
so free, in the moonlight
(End_)
If i say im lying am i telling the truth?
Shawn Lane Rest In Peace!
Rip Dimbag
and sadly Rip Roger "Syd" Barrett gone but not forgotten
and more so recently Brad Delp
Quote by last_biscuit
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
#3
Then again, it all depends how you sing the lyrics, and it's not poetry, it's music. Do what you like, man.
#4
Quote by Mace Mchullah
New song im working on please critic


Caffine and sleeping pills
are sure to end all your ills
a pep in your step to start your day
love this line
a bump to slow you from your way
(Chorus)
exchange your R.E.M
for a narcotic lullaby
im not the way i used to be
so free, in the moonlight
decent chorus

I tried to wake myself from this nightmare
I am afraid beyond repair
Caffine and sleeping pills are what I take
make me dream of the things i feel
i like the whole title and idea of caffine and sleeping pills but i feel like it takes alot of the strength of that phrase away when you use it twice, but that's just my opinion
I can end the night
i pray that will be ok
i know its alright
but i cant promise today
i can end the night
like this part

i know its not the way my moma raised me
i know that is not what God has said
I know its The way you hold me
I cant be anything less
than truth at its worse
another great verse

Light that cigarette
Before you start fretting it
Inhale all the smoke
before you forget
who you really are
this was really powerful, and probably my favorite part of the entire song, prolly cuz i can relate to it in situations i've been in but i really liked this
Smile at the way you once were
Smile at the you, you once were
Smile the way you once were
i like how you rephrase this 3 times, they all have different meanings though they look similar
You studder through another verse
you pause and curse my name
I know what you wondering
I know what your going to ask
nothing really to say about this one, it was just ok compared to the last few
Exchange your R.E.M
for a narcotic lullaby
im not the way i used to be
so free, in the moonlight
(End_)


i really enjoyed this, not really anything bad to say, could use a bit of spell-checking though, also what i said about overusing the whole caffine and sleeping pills thing but that's up to you, this was great, props

Take a look at mine possibly and lemme know what u think?
Thanks
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=938331
#5
What do you think if i change the first verse to this:

"Leapers, Creepers and cheap thrills
are sure to end all your ills
a pep in your step to start your day
a bump to slow you from your way"
If i say im lying am i telling the truth?
Shawn Lane Rest In Peace!
Rip Dimbag
and sadly Rip Roger "Syd" Barrett gone but not forgotten
and more so recently Brad Delp
Quote by last_biscuit
A dyslexic man walks into a bra