#1
quickly from the library. just for fun. *quickly edited* this needs another revision or two but I don't have time right now. the ending needs work especially.
---

the back road

Noel had woke up early;
she had sat down in her lazy boy
and turned the pages to a bookmark,
but then she saw a Blue Jay
outside her kitchen window.

And by the time He flew away,
when His voice had faded, dull and buried,
there was no time to read at all,
in fact,
she may even be late for work
if she continues along the path she's heading down.
Last edited by #1 synth at Aug 21, 2008,
#2
This is very sweet. I love the paragraph usage, its brilliant!

... Well thats about all I can say on it. It ain't great, but it doesn't need to be. If everything was a masterpiece, nothing would be.
#4
"noel had woke up early" - ugly wording.

i hate the capitalisation of Lazy Boy. it looks awful on the page. a plain "l" in lazy is actually more mimetic of laziness anyway. it's kind of absurdly ironic that you spent time and effort capitalising the word "Lazy" alone. knowing you, though, you've already considered that. perhaps that's why you did it. i wouldn't put it past you.

second stanza was wonderful. i really loved this. there's so much to read into (pun pun)
#5
Quote by skagitup
"noel had woke up early" - ugly wording.

i hate the capitalisation of Lazy Boy. it looks awful on the page. a plain "l" in lazy is actually more mimetic of laziness anyway. it's kind of absurdly ironic that you spent time and effort capitalising the word "Lazy" alone. knowing you, though, you've already considered that. perhaps that's why you did it. i wouldn't put it past you.

second stanza was wonderful. i really loved this. there's so much to read into (pun pun)


Surely he means...



I'm not sure if you're aware of the brand, but it's a company that makes chairs/sofas and things. La-Z-Boy according to that website though. But that's annoying to read.

I'll be getting to this later, Dylan.
#6
I think lines 1 and 4 are redundant. They shift the focus of the piece and I truly think it doesn't matter what she was planning on doing, it's not the point. I though the rest was rather cute and enjoyed it. You should try for fun stuff more often.
This is not a pipe
#7
Quote by Retribution

I'm not sure if you're aware of the brand, but it's a company that makes chairs/sofas and things. La-Z-Boy according to that website though. But that's annoying to read.


yeah...

why does this matter? the capitalisation of Lazy Boy looks ugly no matter what. he hasn't capitalised the title or the opening line/sentences. it would look so much nicer in plain font.

so would "harry potter" and "noel". eh, personal taste i guess.
#8
Eh. Didn't really feel like you were cracking the whip with this one. Which you pretty much mentioned anyway.

Glad you posted though.
#9
there was sort of a reason for the capitalizasion but it was just for emphasis, not for anything worthy of sacrificing an inviting atmosphere.

you will see much less whip cracking in the coming times I post. much apologies .

luv u guys
#10
i've read this several times now, and i really, really enjoyed this(along with everything you've posted lately. wotm was well deserved.)
you set such a relaxing mood with this one, too. it's great.
i don't really see the point in critiquing it, so i figured i'd drop a compliment.
thanks for the comment you left on mine man.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
Quote by skagitup
yeah...

why does this matter? the capitalisation of Lazy Boy looks ugly no matter what. he hasn't capitalised the title or the opening line/sentences. it would look so much nicer in plain font.

so would "harry potter" and "noel". eh, personal taste i guess.


Disagree with you for a couple of reasons. Doesn't really matter though, as it's not my piece! Dylan's the one who should decide. Haha.
#13
I know it was supposed to be just relaxed and calm... like watching grass grow in front of a glassy lake while ducks lead their ducklings across and teach them to swim... but it just missed me.

It reminded me of me... setting everything up for a punchline. Which can be done well, and not so well... here, it just didn't feel worth it... like there wasn't quite enough here to justify the read. I don't know... I'm probably just being shallow.

You captured your atmosphere well though, I just wished there would have been some sort of goings on within the place.

#14
I would argue there are plenty going ons in this piece, more then in most of what I write anyway. It's just not in what was said but rather what happens between the stanzas.

To me, it's probably about transcendentalism.

Thank you to everyone whose read and commented. specially Carmel.
#16
yeah, me too, but the ending before was nonsensical. The grammar was shady at best and it was wordy, and I couldnt make heads or tails of how it helped the piece. This ending is worse in the sense that it is much plainer and hits on very few levels but it at least is logical. I'll give it an overhaul when I gots the time.

Thanks for you thoughts Ret (always appreciated )
#18
I agree with James to an extent. Personally I rarely change anything on my pieces, even if I acknowledge criticism as just and correct. With that, I never change something so crucial content-wise. Mostly because I trust my gut instincts and my intuition that what I wrote when I was in the moment was for a certain reason.

However, if you feel like you wanted to say something specific and it just came out wrong, or is understood wrong by the readers... well, it's your piece and I'll try to read it without referencing the previous version.
This is not a pipe
#20
Really like the way you were able to change the tone of the whole piece just by using the word "had". At first I wanted them gone. Wanted them gone badly. They appeared to have no significance except being disruptive, but reading it over a few times, they suite the piece. Make it really. Aside from that, I agree with Kent - WotM well deserved (you cheating bastard)
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#21
I liked it. I love using the name Noel, it's so lilting and perfect, plus it's a metaphor to me, a characterisation of someone else. Short and sweet, congrast
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

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Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#23
Quote by Retribution
I preferred the ending before the revision, to be honest...


I'm with him. Your original ending gave the piece more favor and personality, the one you have up now seems a little drier.