#1
Caroline

[Intro]
I need you caroline
more than anytime
I've never been so much dependent on you
I feel my heart is sick
it bleeds in every tick
it's never been so much messed up without you

I know you have forgotten me
but I've missed you so much
I know you don't remember me
But I'm dying for your touch

[Verse1]
I think I need your care
More than ever
I think I need you back
I think my heart is cracked

You've never been so much reluctant before
I wonder why you don't talk to me anymore
I've never been so much invisible to you
I Don't wanna believe it but I think it is true

[chorus]
That I'm Gone
I'm really gone

Caroline
I need your care now
just don't leave me somehow
keep me back
hold me tight
I don't wanna lose you tonight

[verse2]
wish I could make you see
wish you were here with me
but I know There's no way back
I know i'm off the track

it's been a long time since you last took my hand
I know its been too hard for you to Understand
I wish it was so much easier on you
I Don't wanna believe it but I think it is true

[chorus]
That I'm Gone
I'm really gone

Caroline
I need your care now
just don't leave me somehow
keep me back
hold me tight
I don't wanna lose you tonight
Last edited by swastika at Aug 19, 2008,
#2
wow man.
my ex girlfriend, caroline
we broke up a couple months ago
and i still love her so much
and im still pretty broken up about it

so i can really relate to that
lol
great job man
just give me a fender and let me rip
#3
For criticism, it needs subtlety. It's too strait to the point. Also, the ryhmes feel really forced.
#4
Apart from the length, this was quite interesting. The grammatical errors and blunt layout and word usage was really effective. It has this real humbling honesty to it, as if a three year old, untainted by the world, wrote it, even though its about actually being contaminated by the world and its methods. A very nice contrast.
Your tender and simple rhymes are lovely in their own little ways.
You have to approach this piece from a certain perspective or else you won't enjoy it that much due to the obscure and slightly cliched termanology.

This piece would of been so much better if it was quite a bit shorter, just something you could note for the next time.

Very well done in all though, very sweet to the eyes and ears. It almost felt like a throat soother, something to suck on while you sit in bed feeling sorry for yourself at how ill you are, but then sensing this rush of loveliness betiding your body as the gooiness ebbs down into your guttiwutss, carpeting the nasty world around you as it falls.

Digitally Clean
#6
thanx for all your comments

I just sat down and wrote it,didn't really care about the length-I never do-well I've just started writing lyrics and In a sense i'm quite young in dealing with rhymes and other poetic stuffs you know but I'm really glad that you liked it thanx again for your encouraging words.

and another thing i'd be very glad if you pointed out some of my grammatical errors.