#1
There are places I’ll never belong to,
there are streets that just move way too slow for my taste,
trains that slide on the tracks way too fast
but will never be punished for that.
There are people that talk way too dumb
and cafés that serve coffee too hot.

There are days I don’t want to go through,
nights that I can’t fall asleep on, because
I have dreams I just don’t want to live
and a life that I can’t patronize.

There are secrets I don’t want to keep -
but I don’t want to share.

Lets pretend I just did.
This is not a pipe
#2
I think the "there are" in line two and the entirety of line four (the sentiment's implied by the marvelous voice you've set) can be gotten rid of, they clutter. The last line seemed lonely and it confused me a little.

The rest looked like I could have picked up the Garrison Keilor poetry anthology off of my desk and read it. Beautiful, beautiful stuff. I always love when you talk about cafe's too.

XOXO
Dylan
#3
The first stanza was good, the second great, but I agree with Dylan on the end; it felt detached from the rest. Not a big deal though, the point was still made with authority. Any other little speed bumps were overpowered by the rest. I don't know if I could even pick out a favorite part, it's like a turkey dinner. Great dish.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
put the final line in brackets and lose the stanza break?

i agree with dylan concerning line two and line four of stanza 1. but this was beautiful, as per usual.

one word would suffice
#5
I didn't vibe this one. It seemed very rambler-y, it felt as if it never really left the ground and soared, just for a while, returning for a neat little landing. It just petered around for a while without any wings, tetering on the edge of something very good.

It also seems to be very disconnected and unfriendly, its just not that enjoyable to read, compared to your normal stuff of couse, but I hate comparing works to previous missions.

- "There are people that talk way too dumb
and cafés that serve coffee too hot."
- This is the only real time I thought, yes, the disconnection and alienation actually works here. There is this perfect balance of odd layouts in the words, ambiguity and also, an opposite to alienation, attention and friendlyness. This is displayed with the "hot coffee" idea.
I personally felt it needed to focus on something more humanly with an addition of some sought exagerant writing over the top of it. This just doesn't know what to be or what to think; its unfocused.
Now, saying that, some pieces are best when they are not centred, but this doesn't lend itself to it at all. I normally love to read pieces that lack concourse or concentration - it allows the reader to run into a field of thoughts - but this didn't click with me I'm afraid.

You know of course I love your writing and I hope you take what I said the wrong way, its only my opinion.

- "I have dreams I just don’t want to live
and a life that I can’t patronize."
- On the other hand, this was a great line!

Digitally Clean
#6
I liked everything about it, the title and the final line are excellently referential, and I enjoyed how biting this was, in a very matter-of-fact sense.

It reminds me of this thing I was once told, "There's an evil in everyone, whether you let it out or not isn't up to you, it's up to the people that surround you."
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#7
I agree with goldfish. The first stanza just felt unrhythmic and rambling. On the other hand, the rambling feeling slowed it down, which suited the subject fine (and you used the word "slow" yourself), though I think the wording could have made the ride a little less bumpy.
The rest was okay, but none of the lines really stood out to me. Sorry, but that's all I can say.
#8
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
I agree with goldfish. The first stanza just felt unrhythmic and rambling. On the other hand, the rambling feeling slowed it down, which suited the subject fine (and you used the word "slow" yourself), though I think the wording could have made the ride a little less bumpy.
The rest was okay, but none of the lines really stood out to me. Sorry, but that's all I can say.


Did you even understand the piece? Because it doesn't sound like you did. Forget the stanzas and the wording and whatever. What does it MEAN to you?

And for the rest of you, thanks for your words. I do feel like some of you in the beginning completely missed the point by ignoring the title and how it ties up to the end of the piece, like Matt pointed out.

I've returned some critiques already and will continue. If you have anything specific you want me to look at, please point me in that direction.

Thanks again.
This is not a pipe
#9
Sorry, my bad. I'll try reading this again, but that was just what was going through my mind at the time. It was wrong of me to say that it suited the "subject", it just felt natrually slow moving to me.
#10
*wedding*

La la la-laaa... la la la-love it.

Oh, but: "Lets" = "Let's".

Ha! I found a mistake for once!
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
damn, forgot about the title. the last two couplets (that you get by adding the title) are awesome.

awesome awesome awesome.

even more awesome because I've been trying to use titles in new ways recently and this is just awesome.
#12
Really, really liked your first stanza.

In the second one "nights that I can’t fall asleep on"... the "on" seems out of place to me. I also don't get the idea of patronizing "a life" but that might just be because I'm too simple to get it.

And the title doesn't really make much sense until the last line, which is cool but on the first read I didn't see what the title - being about loving and then not loving - had to do with a bunch of things you strictly don't love/like and presumably never did. Last line ties it together tho so that's cool.
My Gear
Epi Les Paul
Roland Microcube
Boss DS-1 pedal
Shure SM57
M-Audio Fasttrack
#13
I've just come back from a place I want to be more than anything but can't really do anything to get to and bugger it, would I really do it anyway, and what the hell do I possibly think is wrong with this?

So, for me, at the time of reading; this was pretty damned perfect (other than a side note that I would personally prefer the read with a full stop rather than a comma on the first line).
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
Quote by Carmel_l
What does it MEAN to you?
this:
everything that no one wants to hear from their significant other.
everything that is so hard to say, that you never thought you'd say, to the person you love/loved.
it's so sad, because the first stanza reflects a sense of blame toward one's self for the way she feels.
it's a collection of feelings, that were never spoken in the first place between two individuals, that could've changed everything from the first moment, if they had been.

the last line was a note that's hard to hit, Carmel.
this was beautiful atrophy.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#15
Kent.


I just wanted to say that I recorded this, something quite rough, but I kinda like it. If I wasn't singing or playing it. lol.

So yeah, if you want to check it out, it's on my profile. BUT - if you have it in your head in a certain way that you already really like... just leave it at that. Sometimes it should just stay the way you like it.
This is not a pipe