#1
OTS. Been nearly a month, so I feel required to write something. C4C if you leave a link.


Im just an animal
driven
by instinct
and knee-jerk
reactions
It's gotten physical
footsteps
turn my
hamster
spinwheel
With gods bright eye
coming and going,
from time to time
siezing,
gloating
passin' me by
#2
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
OTS. Been nearly a month, so I feel required to write something. C4C if you leave a link.


Im just an animal
driven
by instinct
and knee-jerk
reactions

good flow, it looks like you took something so short in structure and just had to chop the lines up to give it some length...anyhow, I like it so far

It's gotten physical
footsteps
turn my
hamster
spinwheel

RUN HAMSTER RUN!!!! Nice detail and still keeping the set mood established in the first part...nice flow

With gods bright eye
coming and going,
from time to time
siezing,
gloating
passin' me by

Yeah, nice perspective of being a hamster....I wonder if they think in English Anyway...this part is well kept to structure and flow....noice....



Overall it was short, to the point, and awesome....I liked the idea behind it, and the imagery....

if you ever feel like it here's my piece:
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=938789
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#3
Im just an animal
driven
by instinct
and knee-jerk
reactions
It's gotten physical

I'm really liking this initial five line salvo. i love how it ends. it's gotten physical. it's like a statement on your own state. and the 'its gotten physical' is like the 'writer' talking to the 'reader' while kind of bypassing 'you'(the person whom of which the poem is about). a very cool literary device. kudzi

footsteps
turn my
hamster
spinwheel

didn't like the hamster spinwheel direction very much. dont right know why. i do like the word 'footsteps' here, though. real cool word. my suggestie would perhaps be to write-re the last three about the hamster.

With gods bright eye
coming and going,
from time to time
siezing,
gloating
passin' me by

i like that the word 'god ' isn't capitalized, and but initially i liked the first line about a god and the last line about passin' me by. these two lines i think might go well with one another next to eachother - so long so the word 'gloating' is in between! i really liked the word 'gloating' in your poem. god gloats. might have to watch out for the juvile-esque-ness of ever writing anything ever ever with the word g o d 'god' in it. but you don't necesarily fail here... perhaps, quite a ways from it. although, imo, if all were to be kept intact , it would maybe improve with a deletion of the word 'seizing'. it almost works, but imo don't.


nicely done. here's a link to a little pansy i just loaded up


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=939331
#4
It's totally incoherent.

It starts off fine with the instint/knee jerk but then slowly snowballs into a abomoination of supposedly witty/philosphical/interesting arbitary thoughts and images that by the end i wondred if it wasn't just one of those excersises where you put words into a spreadsheet and put them in random order.

Work on your piece as a whole, man, and make every god-damn word has something in it that either reinforces the theme or prompts an emotional response from the reader. This was just like a rotten stomach. rotten.

Thanks for your crit on mine, man. Much appreciated
#5
My initial reaction was "And...?"

You're just an animal that is and does all these things... but I don't get what you're trying to say. There's some nice imagery here and there, but it's pointless if you don't use to actually say something.

I agree with what Jamie said too. Just think this needs a lot more work.
This is not a pipe
#7
i'm going to tip-toe to the edge of the limb here.
i think you were weary of taking this any further. i think that you felt like the line breaks were pretty risky...and i don't think they did much for the piece.
but this was edgy for you.
take it to the full extent possible next time, worry about the line breaks later. say everything you're trying to say, before molding it; you must fully create, and understand the idea, before sculpting your structure.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
Thanks everyone.
Jamie: I had a purpose, and every word was directed to it, but I don't think the meaning was made too evident. It was too short and focused mainly on images to make a concrete point. Pretty much what Carmel said.
Otto: The line breaks just kind of came up that way. The "seizing, gloating" was the only thing that I might consider risky.
#10
I'm with everyone else with this. But I think I might be a bit more blunt about it, normally I like to try and censor myself a bit, but I think this will be more helpful to you if I don't, so here goes:

This lacked a lot. Like quite a few of your other pieces, I finished this and it felt like you had built this entirely to make it read smoothly... and it did to an extent... but this piece evoke dno emotion, it said nothing that I as a reader could come to terms with. It just sat there on the page. You need to find ideas that you personally can feel more connected too... because as it is, everytime I read one of your pieces it feels like you are just writing to be writing. The tone is flat, the words aren't chosen to show your intent but simple to rhyme and flow. Break out of structure for a while. Lose the eb, lose the flow. Write free form and really dig into yourself and you will start to tap into your potential. As it is, you may have a good feel for flow and structure, but what good does it do if you aren't writing anything pertinent? It's like designing buildings with no way to build them. You need to learn to take an idea and express it, before learning to carve it down adn build it into an architectural masterpiece, because in the end, a pretty building that falls over in a storm wasn't much of a building to begin with. You need content, you need something to make your reader feel connected... right now you have words on a page; and before I can really start to dig your writing you need to have solid enough ideas displayed that I forget there are words and just start to live what you are writing.

I'm being completely dead serious when I say: write prose for a while. Lose the gimmicks, lose word play and write a story out on a page... write about walking home in the rain, write about being bored... write something that is more tangible. I was at the same place you seem to be not too long ago. Everything you write seems like it has a decent amount of word play and shows technical abilities... but there is nothing behind it. Write some prose, write some free form, and when you start to get a feel for adding reality to your pieces and making them something worth connecting with, then go back to making them poetic and using artsy images.

Just my thoughts.

-zC