#1
altruist versus ol' bagga bones.

the feeling when I wake up
with gum in my mouth, constantly
confused with what's
in my mouth. How I act all the time,
it's not any smoother,
a cold climate change
will make things better. A soft
mint chill down the back of my
throat, it stops from gloating
or yelling or something. I can't
be sure anymore.

So time passes with a polite wind that
constantly calms the right side of my face.
Can I be any different from her,
when she's constantly
taking every part of me? I look
in the mirror now, staring back
at what I think is me, a giant
hulk of two people, clawing
to get out,
hands
and a face
and arms
and legs.
after awhile it's too much, and
I'll open up my gut to let who
ever is inside out, who knows
maybe she'll like him better.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Aug 20, 2008,
#2
I really liked this.

First of all your openings are always so refreshing, and this piece doesn't fail. Always an original way to present the most trivial scenes and emotions. I look forward to see that every time when you write. Makes this piece just on point and interesting. I think the jumbled up structure just adds. The casual way you move from speaking of a certain moment in time to making a general statement about a person, about a relationship about the life image you present. I don't know, it's just so simple and effortless I can't help but enjoy myself.

I can see you in this too. It's good.
This is not a pipe
#3
i really enjoyed this
the opening and ending were what really got me
'the feeling when i wake up
with gum in my mouth'

an intense and relatable piece
#4
apart from the what I thought was god-awful "smooths the side of my face", which just felt terribly awkward, the rest was cool.

Like the two above, the opening was the best part. I kinda maybe lost a little interest, being honest, towards the end, because it seemed to tail off into ordinary relationship flutter. But ending with a simple statement like you did probably gave this a decent enough emotional strength, a decent enough pay-off, to not really notice the small lull.

So, yeah. Something in my sig if you fancy giving a little back.
#5
Carmel speaks the truth.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching