#1
stole in like thieves
to horseless cities
they crept
like worms to a leper's burns
through the roof of your mouth
lined full of parked black cars
and recycled opera stars

it's a funeral buffet
a zombie cabaret
a cannibal café
an all-night diner in your brain

for tonight
at the drive-in gallows
they're showing the white noise plague
and tonight
at the pirahna theatres
they're playing your technicolor decay

the sitcom crowds cry for more! more!
we need our fix
of porno-sex-violence
we need our hits
of fake neoplastic tits
the sitcom crowds cry for more! more!
we want the pretty screens
sick with asphyxiated beauty queens
we want the ugly dreams
diseased with sex-starved teens

the sitcom crowds were hungry
for celluloid fantasies
the sitcom crowds devoured me
for deleted death scenes

a landscape devastated
by digital parasites
cultivating in a digital paradise
of weathermen infections and consumerections
a landscape pixelated
by digital parasites
masturbating in a digital paradise
of celebrity pregnancies and electric blanket babies

it's a funeral buffet
a zombie cabaret
a cannibal café
an all-night diner in your brain

and tonight
at the drive-in gallows
they're showing the white noise plague
and tonight
at the pirahna theatres
they're playing your technicolor decay
Last edited by sleep sickness at Sep 8, 2008,
#2
This is ****ing awesome! It reminded me of the blood brother's lyrics.

This line:
"choked full of parked black cars
and recyclable opera stars"

don't you mean "chock full of parked cars"?

"a landscape devastated
by digital parasites
cultivating in a digital paradise
of consumerections and celebrity pregnancies
a landscape pixelated
by digital parasites
masturbating in a digital paradise
of weathermen infections and electric blanket babies"
^Here I don't see how the last line fits in. It's almost random (and a bit of a ripoff of "march on Electric Children")
you could probably fit the word "perverted" in somewhere in there too.

It's pretty much damn perfect, except for a few stuff, and they don't really detract from it that much.

This is really good stuff. Topic and tone was consistent throughout.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#3
Quote by sleep sickness
stole in like thieves
to horseless cities
they crept
like worms to a leper's burns
through the roof of your mouth
choked full of parked black cars
and recyclable opera stars
nice opening two lines but didn't really get "recyclable opera stars"

it's a funeral buffet
a cannibal café
a zombie cabaret
an all-night diner in your brain
this is nice, but it changes the tone completely for me (which may be what you wanted) i can't get past seeing the piece as a bit of fun. without it it could be serious but it's so light hearted it changes the whole thing.

and tonight
at the drive-in gallows
thats a nice idea
they're showing the white noise plague
and tonight
at the pirahna cinemas
they're broadcasting your technicolor decay
i thought "piranha cinema" was a bit weak, most likely because it's framed by drive by gallows and technicolour decay, both of which i feel are particularly strong.
the sitcom crowds cry for more! more!
we need our fix
of porno-sex-violence
we need our hits
of fake neoplastic tits
can you get neoplastic? i don't know. it does sound like you tacked neo on to make it sound a bit cooler.
the sitcom crowds cry for more! more!
we want the pretty screens
sick with asphyxiated beauty queens
we want the ugly dreams
diseased with sex-starved teens
this for me the best part of the piece, i have to say i'm a fan of rants. which though not quite long enough to be a rant, has all the makings.

a landscape devastated
by digital parasites
cultivating in a digital paradise
of consumerections and celebrity pregnancies
a landscape pixelated
by digital parasites
masturbating in a digital paradise
of weathermen infections and electric blanket babies
this was solid

it's a funeral buffet
a cannibal café
a zombie cabaret
an all-night diner in your brain

and tonight
at the drive-in gallows
they're showing the white noise plague
and tonight
at the pirahna cinemas
they're broadcasting your technicolor decay


this isn't really my thing but it's nicely done, with some imaginative wording. my only complaint would be with the funeral buffet bit. thanks for the crit on mine.
#4
This was good, all I can say. I think, though, that that middle bit would just be more effective if you scrapped the obvious sex/violence talk and tried to write it without mentioning those words.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
thanks everyone for the feedback and kind words.

ak - thanks for your crit. neoplasm is a tumour/cancer and so neoplastic was meant to imply cancerous. the idea of the piece is that technology (mainly television) is a cancer/parasite that slowly eats away at the brain hence the funeral buffet/cannibal cafe/pirahna cinema parts. but i kinda agree with you, i was thinking of removing the funeral buffet part.

laces out danny - it was meant to be chock. thanks. "electric blanket babies" is supposed to imply that people are thrust into/exposed to the technology/electronic environment from birth. probably a bit of a leap though. thanks again.

digupherbones - mmm, i'm gonna try and revise this sometime and i think i may alter that part of the verse as i feel it's a little too blunt. thanks

cheers guys
#6
I'll be back later.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#7
Quote by sleep sickness
stole in like thieves
to horseless cities
they crept
like worms to a leper's burns
through the roof of your mouth
chock full of parked black cars
and recyclable opera stars

I really liked this first stanza and the idea behind it, but in the first line, you're using the simile of thieves when there is nothing to compare to...In my mind I implied 'they' but I think you should have something to compare thieves with like 'shadows' or something...

it's a funeral buffet
a cannibal café
a zombie cabaret
an all-night diner in your brain

Nice flow, but cabaret was (to me) and excessive rhyme, but I do love the wording

and tonight
at the drive-in gallows
they're showing the white noise plague
and tonight
at the pirahna cinemas
they're broadcasting your technicolor decay

Flow and tone seems to drop off here after that last stanza...to help keep the tone replace the 'and' in the 1st line and add on the 2nd 'for', it also goes with the idea of it like giving out scheduled program (if that makes any sense to you)...I think it flows better if you'd say "they're showing A Plague of White Noise"

the sitcom crowds cry for more! more!
we need our fix
of porno-sex-violence
we need our hits
of fake neoplastic tits
the sitcom crowds cry for more! more!
we want the pretty screens
sick with asphyxiated beauty queens
we want the ugly dreams
diseased with sex-starved teens

Nice

a landscape devastated
by digital parasites
cultivating in a digital paradise
of consumerections and celebrity pregnancies
a landscape pixelated
by digital parasites
masturbating in a digital paradise
of weathermen infections and electric blanket babies

This stanza feels a little different from the rest of this piece because you talk about landscape, but you still refer television like in the last stanza, it just feels awkward to me..

it's a funeral buffet
a cannibal café
a zombie cabaret
an all-night diner in your brain

and tonight
at the drive-in gallows
they're showing the white noise plague
and tonight
at the pirahna cinemas
they're broadcasting your technicolor decay

I guess it's a good repetition for an ending, but I think something different should have came in hand here unless this is actually a song...



Overall it was a pretty good piece, just a few minor glitches here and there...but I did enjoy the read...
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#8
Quote by sleep sickness
stole in like thieves
to horseless cities
they crept
like worms to a leper's burns
through the roof of your mouth
chock full of parked black cars
and recyclable opera stars

I like the internal rhyme in the 4th line (hey, that had internal rhyme. I'm that awesome.)
Recyclable is awkward. Chock full might be exchanged for something better.


it's a funeral buffet
a cannibal café
a zombie cabaret
an all-night diner in your brain

Sounds like you thought of one of these then came up with the other 2 and didn't know which to get rid of. It still works really well, but I think you could get rid of the first line if you wanted to. Flows nicely.


and tonight
at the drive-in gallows
they're showing the white noise plague
and tonight
at the pirahna cinemas
they're broadcasting your technicolor decay

I love this stanza. Nothing bad to say.

the sitcom crowds cry for more! more!
we need our fix
of porno-sex-violence
we need our hits
of fake neoplastic tits
the sitcom crowds cry for more! more!
we want the pretty screens
sick with asphyxiated beauty queens
we want the ugly dreams
diseased with sex-starved teens

Too obvious, but it still works, albeit on a more basic level.

a landscape devastated
by digital parasites
cultivating in a digital paradise
of consumerections and celebrity pregnancies
a landscape pixelated
by digital parasites
masturbating in a digital paradise
of weathermen infections and electric blanket babies

I like this more. It's not as obvious, and performs the same function better.


Thanks for the crit.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT