#1
Nighttime flicker
a sunlight whisper,
seamless seems of reality
and busy bee
me
charting them all
smart things, they are
moving around
shifting constellation sound.
sounds like, when
and what will be,
they always were and
is our free.

clouds of feel
rain like touch,
real is us, but
we're not much.
and such
some time from now
when time grows thin,
we begin to care

but we is was
just like the air.



This was, not to or for, but because of skagitup.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 19, 2008,
#3
That was genious
My favorite band is Tool.


Quote by dio_dude
despite the funny name, unknownpunkrock is the coolest 08'er.

_____________________________________________
Gear:

Ibanez GRG
Vox AD30VT
Randall RG50TC
Takamine C128
Dano Wah
Yamaha S90
#4
Thank you unknown.

Any other crits/comments on this will be returned, it just might take a bit longer than usual. I'll be flying all day today and likely sleeping all day tomorrow, so cheers and thank you to anyone who reads.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
this did not seem closely revised to me, though I could be wrong. The use of sound was excellent but appeared too easy to pull off as it was not building around a central concrete image but rather multiple general ideas (though each individual thought was well done). the cummings-esque grammar ("we is was" and such) was cool, pulled off better than i've seen it done in the past.

Bullet opinions:
-consolidate your imagery to make a more concise and snappy piece
-use a more inviting title, if I saw this in a book I would never read it
-use a more dynamic first line, we've all seen this one before
-watch out for being wordy for the sake of sound "and such" was an example of this

well, thats all I got right now. good piece, but could have more impact if you were to revise it with a focus upon artistic unity.

#6
'Free' as a rhyme was far too meh (yes, I am going to use that word).
Something makes me think that 'seemlings' (I don't care if it's not a real word) would go well intead of seems in 'seamless seems of reality'.

Otherwise, I agree with #1.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by Billyjson
Thank you unknown.

Any other crits/comments on this will be returned, it just might take a bit longer than usual. I'll be flying all day today and likely sleeping all day tomorrow, so cheers and thank you to anyone who reads.


I'm not that good at crit but it was the only word I could think of to describe it. I really liked it. Good job man.

Heres a link for mine if you have a minuete.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=934486
My favorite band is Tool.


Quote by dio_dude
despite the funny name, unknownpunkrock is the coolest 08'er.

_____________________________________________
Gear:

Ibanez GRG
Vox AD30VT
Randall RG50TC
Takamine C128
Dano Wah
Yamaha S90
#9
Looking forward to it zC.

Dylan - appreciate the crit. As you noticed I was focusing on sound here, and thought the vague image I created (hopefully) would compliment that enough. I agree with all your points though, except the title (I fucking love my title).

Katherine - You have no idea how much I contemplated changing seamless/seemless. I think it may be one of those things that's never satisfying, even if I swap it. And welcome back!

will get to yours soon unknown, and the rest of yalls
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#10
Dylan really hit the nail on its penis.

This had a great use of sounds, a fantastic touch of sonic flow (at least the way I read it)... but in the end I was left saying, "why the fuck did I just read that?" It seemingly lacks purpose. don't get me wrong, I still enjoyed the read. And God knows I loved loved loved the line, "but we is was" but even that left me going, "hummmmmmmmmmmana?"

This had a very touch and go feeling, however unlike Dylan, I don't see any amount of editting taking this to the next level. I don't see enough potential beyond the form itself, which was already done quite nicely. My advice: take what you've learned here, take the sonics and the sounds and the quirky than usual ideas and apply them to something tangible.

It will be great.