#1
perspiration,
its what comes to mind.
you were always so wet.
dry of natures
dry of fear.

memories of what used to be
but, its not what used to be.
does it make sense why your limbs slipped?

compare it to a train ride,
a drink, a line.
the space between blink and next.
a bath between us.

should held tongues reminisce?
we've come to find each so blank
like pastels are just of something past.
and colors only exist in splashes of dreams
as you might have described 'ghostlimb'd'.

could call it repetition,
procrastination, or emptiness.
i just think its cause i like getting wet.
#2
Quote by pixiesfanyo
perspiration,
its what comes to mind.
you were always so wet.
dry of natures
dry of fear.

Intro is original...This is the first time (I think) I've seen anyone start something off with the word 'perspiration'....it sets up a good image and when you added the other lines, they just fell into place. I like this stanza also because of the mood of it....

memories of what used to be
but, its not what used to be.
does it make sense why your limbs slipped?

The first and last lines were good. The second needs to be worded differently because of the repetition here doesn't seem work well IMHO...And the idea behind this is hard to imagine from the third line to what point you are trying to tell us...I'm assuming in such away of touching (if that's the case, then limbs should be changed)

compare it to a train ride,
a drink, a line.
the space between blink and next.
a bath between us.

nice comparisons used to keep the mood set and imagery...I like this stanza

should held tongues reminisce?
we've come to find each so blank
like pastels are just of something past.
and colors only exist in splashes of dreams
as you might have described 'ghostlimb'd'.

I love the first line...the second line rather than 'of' use 'as' or if that's not the meaning you're implying in on this sentence then I think 'of' should go after 'something' and including 'the' (that's just me)....Other than that I got the point of the simile and I do like it...This stanza is great, except for that one part I pointed out...

could call it repetition,
procrastination, or emptiness.
i just think its cause i like getting wet.

nice ending...



Overall this was pretty good and I enjoyed the read...
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#3
Eh. I read this and to be totally honest Jared it felt like your average fare. The slightly-detatched delivery, strong sexual undercurrent. I don't know, maybe it was jusy I didn't really feel this, but I felt you didn't push yourself on this one much. Like you just settled for this and didn't really have that motivation to make it your best.

Just my cents. I'll swing by the next thing you post, when you do.