#1
I hurt someone. This is for them and for me.



Maybe in some faraway place
where we always love and never hate,
there’ll be another me with
a wife and children, and we’ll be happy
together. We’ll stay strong forever.
But this is here, this is now,
and I am a lonely shell
shuffling about in madness and sadness.
What the difference is between them I don’t know.

A dream, echoes of thunder, the sounds
of laughter and intoxication. The two of them,
straddling each other, breaking my heart.
I put my hand on the seat next to me
and squeeze, hoping another’s hand materialises
and I don’t look insecure or jealous.
The green reflection in my glasses
tells me I’ve failed. Another time, then.

And another place, where I don’t have to
wallow in self-pity just to be noticed as
a damaged soul with a great talent. I write the
same bullshit in a different language. There’s
no skill involved, just a round of painkillers
from the Great White House. A cross,
how ironic.

It takes its toll on me and she knows it,
but this is my life, without it I can barely
get out of bed in the morning. I laze about
thinking of words and rhythms and rhymes
and never see the day for what it really is.
Perhaps I shall just sit back and watch the
words and the lies tumble out and dance
on the pages until they taunt me with their
presence. Fuck them this time. Let them taunt.
#2
This was a worthwhile read Mike but I feel alot/most of your imagery was very, well, dull, some cliche. Especially early on in the piece (the whole first stanza felt overly dusty) that kinda detracted too much from the overall read.

It definitely picked up in the second half, though. You got going then very nicely.

A little for a little? Sig if you could. Much appreciated.
#3
Quote by Dæmönika
I hurt someone. This is for them and for me.


Maybe in some faraway place
where we always love and never hate,
there’ll be another me with
a wife and children, and we’ll be happy
together. We’ll stay strong forever.
But this is here, this is now,
and I am a lonely shell
shuffling about in madness and sadness.
What the difference is between them I don’t know.

I like most of this stanza, the only bit that seems kind of campy is "we'll stay strong forever"... I think this is pretty implicit if its a place where you always love, never hate, and are happy together. "shuffling about in madness and sadness" is a nice line, didn't catch at first that the "them" is madness and sadness - very nice wording tho once I got it in terms of rhythm tho the last line seems to be too wordy... too many syllables compared to the rest?


A dream, echoes of thunder, the sounds
of laughter and intoxication. The two of them,
straddling each other, breaking my heart.
I put my hand on the seat next to me
and squeeze, hoping another’s hand materialises
and I don’t look insecure or jealous.
The green reflection in my glasses
tells me I’ve failed. Another time, then.

not sure if the "echoes of thunder" part works. Otherwise this is well written (i spell materializes with a z but don't think that matters).


And another place, where I don’t have to
wallow in self-pity just to be noticed as
a damaged soul with a great talent. I write the
same bullshit in a different language. There’s
no skill involved, just a round of painkillers
from the Great White House. A cross,
how ironic.

Less enthusiastic about this stanza. Seems to take a bit of a left turn from where the rest of the piece was leading. I don't know if its narcissistic or self-aggrandizing or what, but it seems odd to suddenly be talking about your "great talent" and how easily it comes.


It takes its toll on me and she knows it,
but this is my life, without it I can barely
get out of bed in the morning. I laze about
thinking of words and rhythms and rhymes
and never see the day for what it really is.
Perhaps I shall just sit back and watch the
words and the lies tumble out and dance
on the pages until they taunt me with their
presence. Fuck them this time. Let them taunt.

It might be cool to change "laze about" for something more... poetic. Otherwise this is good and I can see how it tries to connect the first 2 stanzas with the 3rd. But as you go through the connection between 2 and 3 isn't immediately obvious and it reads like you're changing the purpose of the piece. The ending is kind of abrupt as well.


Overall the line breaks seem kind of haphazard... I don't see consistency in the syllables/rhythm (maybe im just not seeing i tho and it is there?). Might help some if it was more obvious what the rhythm is meant to be like since adding a pause after each line doesn't seem like that was the intent!

If you get a chance crit my song: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15890267#post15890267 and keep up the good work
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