#1
i felt like rhyming.

--------------------------

a lukewarm august night,
the last one of its kind
and the beer gardens were slowly approaching
closing time.
with every second,
with every blow,
a solemn meaning
quietly exposed.

"once you get out of here,
you will find your calling.
you'll be fine."

postcards from china
aren't worth the dime
unless they mention
something else
than you "doing fine".

eleven months have gone by
since that night but nothing has changed,
except for
meaningless things
such as time and age.

by your logic, my friend,
i've finally found my calling.
because the only thing
i seem to
be able to handle
is melancholy.
#2
A really cool read.

Just a few things to say. I really think that if you continue writing, in about two years you'll look back and see how much better you have got. Because what I see here is some damn good potential. You deliver your ideas and thoughts in a good manner, with a solid flow and smartly timed rhymes. However, it feels almost too polite in it's execution, with the tone of someone who is more worried about being a "poet" than just writing and letting yourself go. It comes off as being slightly in that pretentious/fake zone of writing (this isn't a negative - really) where the rules are being abided too, and you're making sure you have techniques in there, and that you're using the tools you've been told to.

I think if you keep writing, with experience you'll really write some classy stuff. This is a great little piece, but like I said it is too squeaky-clean to really love.

Or maybe I'm being over-analytical. I did really enjoy the piece. It's because it's the first time I've read you, so I'm not quite sure.

Keep posting. I'm intrigued somewhat.
#3
i know what you mean regarding the "politeness" and somewhat "pretensiousness" of the piece, and i absolutely agree. it's kind of... old-fashioned in a sense, which is definitely something i'm trying to get away from. i don't know why, but it just turns out that way when i try to rhyme. it's gotten better since i first started out, though. so hopefully, given some time, i will get even better.

thanks for the comment. i appreciate it.
#4
i liked this alot.
i think the rhyming played on the border of being forced, but i don't think it ever crossed that line. the third verse was my favourite, and i enjoyed the ending.

sorry i can't say more, but i couldn't find much to nitpick. i really love your minimalist style. it really suited the "melancholy" of the piece.
hope to see more from you.
#5
thanks man. i know i promised take a look at yours, but i kind of forgot about it, to be honest. i'll get to it when i'm not as tired as i am now, haha.
#6
i think this is one of the stronger poems ive read on here. well constructed and tightly fit around a central theme - doesn't bull**** itself with abstractness or try to appear too deep for its own good.

my favorite line is "since that night but nothing has changed, except for meaningless things such as time and age"
#7
a lukewarm august night,
the last one of its kind
and the beer gardens were slowly approaching
with every second,
with every blow,
a solemn meaning
quietly exposed.

"once you get out of here,
you will find your calling.
you'll be fine."

postcards from china
aren't worth the dime
unless they mention
something else
than you "doing fine". ('More than just/that you're doing fine' seems to fill up the syllables more, but I don't know if that's important)

eleven months have gone by
since that night but nothing has changed,
except for
meaningless things
such as time and age. (time and age seem to be, practically, the same thing. Perhaps something other than 'time' or just age but change it to 'aged' so it rhymes directly ie 'such my having aged' (or something better...obviously :/ )

by your logic, my friend,
i've finally found my calling.
because the only thing
i seem to
be able to handle
is melancholy.

Was fun, if a bit stunted at times.
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