#1
It always reaches the tip of my
tongue whenever she's never there,
tickling the back of my
front teeth, slipping through the
gaps and cracks, sticky fillings
and the dirty-gold sweet tooth.
Some sort of witty throwback,
dramatic exit. I hear it in my head
like an old cassette; grainy, distorted.
That's her - my words are clear and
biting, could cut through the mesh,
sharp like lemon sherbert.

I let the clock do its thing and watch
the shade cross the carpet, watch the
little flicks and fluts of dust, dancing,
blow them and watch them scatter wildly.
what if i write the lines, set the scene in
motion, wait for my cue. she'll react and then
i'll open the show, emotion, let the
feeling
flow

and laugh off-screen as her pupils small,
lips quiver, sniff. She mouths something
that won't be heard for two seconds more.

Fade out. She speaks;

just.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 20, 2008,
#2
Quote by Jammydude44


It always reaches the tip of my
tongue whenever she's never there,

This is great, the split line break is excellent and leaves the sentence with an early cliffhanger. It's great enjambment that sometimes makes or breaks a piece. This is a good example of it used properly.

tickling the back of my
front teeth, slipping through the
gaps and cracks, sticky fillings
and the dirty-gold sweet tooth.

I didn't like dirty-gold sweet tooth, I felt like too many things tacked onto that one word, it was over-bearing almost in it's attempt to describe that single thing. Everything else though, it's really good, I'm moderately surprised. I'm enjoying the enjambment a lot here, it's making it interesting and it's reminding me of some of the line breaks I use. This thing feels very similar to how I approach writing, so maybe someone's taking pointers from me secretly. :p

Some sort of witty throwback,
dramatic exit. I hear it in my head
like an old cassette; grainy, distorted.
That's her - my words are clear and
biting, could cut through the mesh,
sharp like lemon sherbert.

I hated the sherbert, I don't know why the hell everyone is using this word lately, it's not good. It's like using the asphyxiated. It's just an ugly word that detracts from what you are saying. I'd just go ahead and say lemonade, or something along those lines, make the line shorter to have more of an immediate effect, but have an odd metaphor to make it last. I like the disjointed, half sentences as well. It's a wonderful touch that many try to use, but never get it down correctly. It seems like you know what sounds good, and it's refreshing.

I let the clock do its thing and watch
the shade cross the carpet, watch the
little flicks and fluts of dust, dancing,
blow them and watch them scatter wildly.

Excellent flow here, the alliteration was used subtly and added a nice bouncing vocal effect. Nothing bad here, the descriptions are vivid, and you use vague details to a great effect. "Let the clock do its thing" was ace.

what if i write the lines, set the scene in
motion, wait for my cue. she'll react and then
i'll open the show, emotion, let the
feeling
flow

I'd scrap this part, worse part, it has the enjambment but it doesn't have the same content so it comes off a bit like a rap verse. That's the bad thing with breaking lines like this, one of them at least, is that if you don't use it properly it'll sound like you wrote a rap, and that's what you don't want. It flows too jittering and smoothly, so it detracts from the content, I think just fixing the line breaks might make this part better, but if not just scrap it.

and laugh off-screen as her pupils small,
lips quiver, sniff. She mouths something
that won't be heard for two seconds more.

Fade out. She speaks;

just.

What can I say, I'm really impressed. I'll be reading the next one from you after this and if it's consistent I might put you up for writer of the month. This was one of the best things I've read in a while. The ending stanzas need a little work in terms of content because it's as fitting as the beginning, it sort of tails off at the end, and that's when you need them to get into the most. No one likes a movie with an amazing beginning that tapers off into a ****-fest at the end, work on being consistent through out and you'll have pieces that you won't be embarrassed to show people four months from now.


Great job

matt.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#3
Thanks man. Appreciate it somewhat. I felt the ending was lacking, I never found a way that I was happy with. I'll look over for the next week, then just pass on I expect.

For the record, I've always felt I've used line breaks decently, to be honest.

I owes ya.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 20, 2008,