#1


drinking dark rum and lemon juice until my head
slumps down onto my chest and my
chest
slumps down onto the desk
and my pen leaves a think black line
at a tangent
to the masterpiece below.
and the masterpiece above can't
think straight can't
get his act together long enough
to see that
it's a ruinous journey
to some dark
smoke filled hall
in some dark and
unruly state.
it's because i'm a davinci
or a van gough
i can suck a beer while
sat on the can
in the early hours
and this is life
and this is the sum of all things
that i am
and this scene is the main attraction
in a peanut theatre.
i'm naked.





love is a dog from hell.



#3


drinking dark rum and lemon juice until my head
slumps down onto my chest and my
chest
slumps down onto the desk
and my pen leaves a think black line
at a tangent
to the masterpiece below.
and the masterpiece above can't
think straight can't
get his act together long enough
to see that
it's a ruinous journey
to some dark
smoke filled hall
in some dark and
unruly state.

This first half was real good mostly. The only bit I would change would be "can't / think straight can't / get his act together long enough / to see that / it's a ruinous journey" because I think the diction is too average. Simply there isn't anything surprising about it, and I don't find it poetically interesting. Other than that though, I liked what you wrote here. I know it's probably futile to suggest that you try to but your line breaks in some kind of uniform, and I'm not convinced that this poem would even benefit from it, but from a reader's standpoint, I'm always more willing to approach a clean-looking poem, and from a writer's standpoint, I often find that following structure twists thoughts into more unique shapes. Just something I'd recommend trying soon.
Quote by we have sound
it's because i'm a davinci
or a van gough
i can suck a beer while
sat on the can
in the early hours
and this is life
and this is the sum of all things
that i am
and this scene is the main attraction
in a peanut theatre.
i'm naked.


This second half repeats and amplifies that one problem that I had with the first one. First of all, Van Gogh* is a valid (though kind of empty) comparison, but Da Vinci? Why Da Vinci? I don't get it at all. I have no idea what the next two lines after that mean. And then finally, I think if you're going to say "this is life" and "this is the sum of all things", you need to be clearer what your "this" is. It's just, it's too weighty a wrap-up thought for this poem to support, I think (yes, even recognizing the next line "that i am"). I think that your ending is incongruous with your less ambitious beginning.

I forgot to mention how much I loved the double-entendre in "dark and / unruly state".
#5
I loved the flow. I loved the domino dropping. However, I feel like there should be some punctuation after 'Van Gough', and like the last line could be exposed much more effectively.

Other than that, the flow was more than excellent, the content was beautiful and it was all added to by that 'domino dropping', as I'll call it, description in the first half.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Fuck this felt good to read. Everything you do seems to scream "Slow, I want you to really listen to this". If someone points out the misspelling of 'thick' in the fifth line (I believe it's misspelled, don't see any significance in 'think'), they're reading closely enough. Keep that the way it is and spell van goulash and dannyDevito however the hell you want, because that is what this is.

But please. please get rid of this is the sum of all things. Cheesy as hell (hell is very cheesy) doesn't suite this poem in the least. Other than that, ace.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 22, 2008,
#7
drinking dark rum and lemon juice until my head
slumps down onto my chest and my
chest
slumps down onto the desk
and my pen leaves a think black line
at a tangent
to the masterpiece below.

great opener. love the subtle little rhyme of head chest and desk, and it flows great.

and the masterpiece above can't
think straight can't
get his act together long enough
to see that
it's a ruinous journey
to some dark
smoke filled hall
in some dark and
unruly state.

was a tad disappointed that you didnt carry on with the odd little rhyme in this verse. it made the one in the first verse seem almost unintentional.
also, im not sure about the first "and" from this chunk. did you actually end the sentance the line before, or is the full stop a typo? either way, i personally find all the 'ands' grouped together at the start give it a slightly rambling quality.



it's because i'm a davinci
or a van gough
i can suck a beer while
sat on the can
in the early hours
and this is life
and this is the sum of all things
that i am
and this scene is the main attraction
in a peanut theatre.
i'm naked.

great little ending. dont quite understand the inclusion of the davinci and van gogh references, but i love the naked in the peanut gallery idea.
awesome.

nice one
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------